As usual my posts are irregular, haphazard and disorderly. But I did say that I’d post when I had something to say rather than trying to scrape out something for the continuity and hell of it. When writing from the heart, it has to be from the heart, that’s when it makes the biggest impact.
I needed to get out of the house yesterday; I’ve been up to my eye balls in court paperwork (yes I have some legal shit going on) glued to the computer with this mundane bollocks for days which is stealing my life away from me and to say I’m pissed off is a start understatment. I want to get on with rebuilding my lfe but the legal shit is an energy vampire that has sucked the life out of my soul and leaves me feeling flat, dull and lifeless, a good for nothing. It’s a stick that pummels my already traumatised system making my healing journey ten times as difficult, agitating the internal trauma-wound, splitting it where it’s began to heal.
After waking up at 3.04am yesterday morning (only to find myself ruminating over what I need to do next with the legal shit), it left me with a tension headache (that actually lasted all day yesterday). I do believe it’s excess cortisol in the body due to stress that makes you wake up like that. The headache rendered me useless for anything. Following a morning Zumba class which I thought would shift any negative energy, the headache contined to loom. So I did what I normally do when feeling unwell. No, not pop an ibuprofen or paracetamol. But get out in nature (I don’t take tablets I am highly anti-pharma which is only there to mimic nature and kill you). The headache is an oracle to stop. Pain is a messenger; it’s a warning that’s something’s wrong, that the body is unsettled and which is not to be smothered over with a pill to push on with things (which is what the skewed societal zeitgeist dictates). You need to listen to pain – everything has a message.
The local park a short drive away is a peaceful haven, an oasis of calm and tranquility (apart from the odd passer-by). I get a bit anti-human when I’m in nature. I want it to be just me and the trees and the birds and any bugs in between. Anyway I sat down, closed my eyes and allowed the sun to shine on my face as I listened to the the bright green wild parakeets flying by, looking at the inside of my orangey-pink eye lids. I could have been anywhere. As I sat there, not really thinking about anything, I realised there’s a heaviness within me. It was a sad feeling which I intuitively realised to be a pain body, and I sensed that it’s grief. Unassauged, unresolved grief from the lonely, abandoned, broken-hearted inner child. I’m trying to welcome her in and let her know that she’s seen and loved and that she’s not alone any more. The therapy has helped me massively with understanding that. But her broken heart isn’t truly fixed; the pieces haven’t been put back together. There’s cracks and holes where the love seeps out again; memories still dwell there of the lonely, traumatised girl that’ll come up like air bubbles to the surface. Perhaps she’s trying to breathe. Perhaps those memories have something to say. Perhaps it is the inner child trying to speak to me to tell me she needs more reassurance, more comfort, more support, more inclusion. I don’t know. I don’t force the memories, they just come up now and again situationally. Although I don’t dismiss her, chastise her, berate her or blame her anymore for the decisions she made, and the young woman she grew into. She did the best she could with the life that she had and the cards that were dealt. Compassion cures, or will begin to be the cure. Is that what self-love actually is? I’m trying to make amends right now in my life, at 49, but situations are dragging me away from her and it pains me, just like a mother feels pained when she’s away from her child who needs her. My inner child needs me right now and I’m not fully there for her. And that makes me angry…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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