These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes a one liner. Sometimes an essay. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
26 August 2025
I met J today. Went for a nice walk in the park. I was supposed to go to an event at P’s down south but I just didn’t have the inclination or energy. I should’ve gone really. I always say to myself “I’m going to go to his event and have a good time” but I manage to procrastinate, make the day late and then talk myself out of it. I don’t know why I do it. I just hate going on my own to these events. Turning up as a single woman, not even a friend to come with me. Makes me feel so friendless. Maybe the walk in the part is what I needed, not going to some sort of party-like event. Sometimes I don’t want to socialise. I felt triggered by J though. She had some stuff in the car for me after the walk that she thought I could use. I felt that she only wanted to see me to palm stuff off to me, not because she actually wanted to meet me. I messaged her and told her, that I I felt unvalued/unsupported/unappreciated lately with everything else going on and that I felt as though she only wanted to see me to palm off the stuff she was going to throw out. It’s the unworthy child that got triggered. I’ve needed to give my parts support that I hadn’t been giving them – the unvalued, unappreciated, unsupported parts. I need to be with my parts not acting from inside them when I get triggered or trying to fix them. There’s being with the part and being in the part. Thats what my therapist said the other day. Just to be with my parts. I remembered what someone said at my flow class a few days ago when we got chatting after the class ended. We were talking about being with narcissistic men and she said “when you drop the need to be loved it’s only then you’ll never attract a narc again”. It struck a chord and stuck in my head like glue. Maybe I don’t love myself and that I need to build self love. Maybe by being with my parts and just loving them, that I’ll build the self love…
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