These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes a one liner. Sometimes an essay. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
12 October 2025
I’ve been thinking about my shadow. What are my shadows and the negative parts of me that keep me stuck?
- Fear of being trapped in the same routine (ie getting a boring 9-5 job)
- Fear of being alone forever and never meeting a partner
- Not being pretty/attractive enough that I’m always competing with other women
- Needing external validation
- Wanting to be liked/popular (people pleasing)
- Anger & quick reactive temper
- Resentment against family and those who betrayed me
- Not trusting myself to have discipline with my life
- Guilt & regret for not making the decisions I should have
- Blame & victimhood for my childhood, unfair, still feel unhealed,
- Complaining about others who bother me and moaning too much
- Controlling things, not delegating, micro managing,
- Deep mistrust of others
- Attachment and clinging to people
- Avoidant, procrastination with tasks,
- Won’t open my heart let people in
- Always in fight mode lately, since 2020, too much conflict in my life
- Other shadows: Worried about getting old
- Seeing the negative in others too much
These are my shadows. What am I attracting? Conflict – there’s just too much conflict – the paper fights, the fights where I live, other dramas that I attract. Then there’s not making money, regretting that I haven’t worked hard enough or made enough money over the last 5 years. There’s no new close friends which affirms not being popular. I’m not in a relationship although after the narc the thought of being in a relationship makes my skin crawl. And I’m a people-phobe and misanthrope – I can’t stand everyday folk and the unconscious masses I meet in everyday life. I want to club some of them to death. I feel like I cling to my friendship with J because she’s my only really close friend. My days are passing me by. I feel like I’m taken advantage of. I dread all shit here in Bastard Mews which is ongoing, my home feels toxic, my life feels toxic, there’s a general lack of focus in my life. I just feel like a mess really.
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