These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes a one liner. Sometimes an essay. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
29 August 2026
Been feeling distrustful and unsupported which has mushroomed into everything and everyone around me. Certain situations keep triggering the feeling of being unvalued/unsupported/unappreciated. I just feel so alone and so pressured with all the bullshit around me. Too many balls in the air, too much brain space taken up with fights here at Bastard Mews and all the other shitty little cases and complaints I’ve got going on, trying to make too many decisions about my life, what to do as a career, where I’m going to live, all the DIY that I need to do around the house; mentally I’m overflowing like bath tub there someone’s left the tap on. And my creativity is stunted. There is only so much your mind can take and there’s no joy from any angle. I really need mental space. I’m getting very anxious and avoidant with the Bastard Mews stuff. I can’t even bring myself to look at emais. I keep expecting shit and drama which has been anchored into it. Glad I’ve asked J to log into the emails for me. A shitty email is like a word-mine it just blows up in your face without any warning. I just can’t cope with anything and I just need a break. I want someone else to make decisions for me and someone else to take the pressure off. I just can’t cope with anything.
I absolutely bawled my eyes on Friday night
out in a way that I never have before. I cried heavily and hard. If someone had seen me they might have thought someone died. My cat even looked worried. I’ve never seen a worried look on his face but he looked at me as if to say “what’s wrong, why is mummy crying so hard?” It was a feeling of utter hopelessness and dejection.
I can’t describe the feeling of sheer, utter, empty hopelessness. I tried to distract myself with a crappy chick flick on the TV but I literally broke down very hard into uncontrollable tears and wailing
when I wondered why I didn’t sell my house last year
mixed with a feeling of deep regret, isolation and being trapped here in thisshit hole of Bastard Mews for
more months. It’s the sheer weakness and being utterly
let down by the fuckwits around me who live here.
And I‘m alone with all of it, there’s no one I trust. There no allies. There’s no support. Just two faced, weak,
nonchalant, lying, back stabbing bastards who are consumed with themselves and their own petty, shitty little lives.
I feel so trapped.
I just want leave.
I want to leave right now. I wish something would take me away from here or if I could just click my fingers and vanish.
I hate this place and I just
don’t want to live here anymore.
I haven’t got the money to just go and rent somewhere it’s so expensive.
I’ve got so much regret about not leaving here sooner
but no, I thought I’d try and sort this place out
before I sell, thinking I can’t leave everyone here knowing what I know that there’s chicanery going on under everyone’s noses. And what the fuck for? I should have just left them to rot and perish in all of it. They weren’t worth it. I’ve put my life on hold for these fuckwits when I could have gone. I did the right thing by them and held myself back in the process. For what??? For a year of utter stress filled bullshit that has wrecked my year when I could have been forging a new life.
I said yes to them and no to myself. Why the fuck did I do that? I thought that they’ll get screwed over but I got screwed by holding my life back for these empty, soul-less cunts.
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