I’ve just read one of my previous posts Solace is Golden, and I know I’ve regressed. For the past 3 weeks since I re-surfaced to share my healing, I’ve not been able to cope with my emotions. I haven’t written in recent weeks as the emotional overload has left me feeling deflated and depressed with zero energy or motivation to do anything, getting up late and getting nothing done, with days just dissolving into one another. And before you know it you’ve floated through another week. These feelings get in the way of getting on with life. If you know it too, you’ll know the feeling is debilitating: I just haven’t had the energy to do anything. Don’t you wish healing was as simple as switching on a light switch or putting a bandage over the wound to heal? Crying the tears and feeling the feelings that need to be released and acknowledging exactly what happened to that young is a release in itself. It’s taken me all of my adult life to finally fully realise and acknowledge that I’ve been living with CPTSD all my life, in a traumatised body and a nervous system that’s completely dysregulated (which only dawned on me after the friend-dumping big fat trigger). What is really fucking me up though is the thought that here I am (at 49), trying to heal whilst those who inflicted the pain are nonchalantly having a great time and a great life living in their lies, going on holiday and having a great time. Whether that’s true or not I don’t know. Whether they have had (or will get) their comeuppance I’ll never know. The not knowing is the shit bit.
I still feel deep indignation towards the dark and rotten souls, the perpetrators and covert narcissists who contributed to the 12 year old me becoming totally screwed up, and in most recent years following a breakdown in 2017, me not being able to get my life fully back on track. The feelings of revenge and wanting to fuck those people’s lives up in the most delightful and crafty of ways rises to the surface, when I allow it to. It’s like trying to hold a balloon down under water; the unhealed wounds of the distant and recent past from this year that simmer within me beneath the surface boil over everywhere and I want to do something about the pain and injustice I feel. Recently I’ve kept thinking about ways to get back at the perpetrators to make them feel the emotional pain that I do – I want to say the most acidic things or do something delightfully cruel and wicked, (if I was a malignant narcissist those thoughts wouldn’t remain thoughts). You see things like this in movies don’t you, but revenge isn’t the answer for another’s atonement, is it? Does life bring you lemons by itself? Even if I did get some sort of revenge, how would I know what they are feeling? I can’t take my pain out and serve it on a platter and say “here, get a load of this bitches!!”. Would anything come close to feeling the trauma and emotional wound I’ve been carrying for 40+ years and the pain, betrayal and injustice that I feel, living with CPTSD all my life? Perhaps this is the pain the 12 year old me felt that’s been suppressed and the pain body shows up as wanting retribution and regular rageful outbursts. Can you compare two lots of pain though? What would the 12 year old me have done? Not the same as the adult me would do. Does the pain body change shape? I believe it metasizes and gets worse if you don’t do anything about it. The pain body wants to be acknowledged (in my opinion) but what to do with it, I don’t know. How to heal it, I don’t know. How to find the true self underneath, I’m still trying to discover. And this type of childhood trauma healing finding your true self is nowhere near anything like the “eat, prey, love” type of ‘ journey of self discovery’. Give me a $200,000 advance, I’ll jet set around the globe for a year, stuff my face and I’ll write you a best seller and let you know. Anyway I digress, back to my point. Emotional pain is not the same as a revenge type of pain is it? You can tend to shake things off when life throws you lemons now and again. I heard somewhere that revenge and retribution is in the creators hands. Does life really take its own revenge? It’s a very difficult one to let go of though.
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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