Oh for fuck’s sake…I’ve spiralled again this week. Not enough exercise, not getting up early enough, not doing my pranayama (yeah, yeah ‘breathwork’), not enough yoga, didn’t go outdoor swimming blah blah, fucking blah…. The sad-sack-ness has consumed me. Grief and overwhelm (I’m experiencing both at the moment) and a complete paralysis to want to do anything are inextricably linked. The weather has been beautiful the last few days and instead of being spontaneous and making the most, I’ve stayed in my stuck-ness and comfort-eating to self medicate which I hate doing but feel compelled to do. I’m currently doing the inner work on trying to heal my childhood trauma and I feel like I’m failing miserably, especially when I have weeks like this. It’s 21.46pm and I’m eating a piece of my home-made banana loaf whilst I write this. I never usually eat late after 7pm. It is healthy though – gluten free and refined sugar free – does that count? That’s my get out of jail card…
The grief today was linked to not mourning what I had lost when the full on narc I was seeing bullied me into shutting down my money making endeavours (because he didn’t agree with the broadcasting work I was doing – it was all legal and above board before your mind starts working overtime). That was back in 2022. If you’ve read any of my previous posts I may have mentioned full on narc and may have mentioned some of his bullying (I can’t recall if I have or not). Well I allowed him to bully me. Their energy is very all consuming and dark. Anyway the grief got triggered by someone I spoke to this morning over a video call whom I hadn’t seen to for a couple of years. Only an acquaintance who I met through my business. I’d say he’s a zone 5 friend (zone 1 being the closest can-call-you-at-3am-in-the-morning friend and zone 5 being someone you kind of know). He asked where I’d disappeared to (literally overnight) and I felt shame in admitting that I had allowed the full on narc I was seeing to bully me into shutting everything down. I really enjoyed what I used to do and was good at it to which the zone 5 friend agreed. I’m still not the woman I was back then who looked more vibrant, felt more confident and happier, had less grey hair and looked less tired and beaten down. I felt choked and felt the emotion rising in me like a thermometer as tears welled into my eyes. I held the tears back but had very good cry afterwards as I grounded on the lawn in my back garden in the searing sunshine. I mourned what I had, what I lost, and what could have been if I hadn’t have allowed the narc to bully me into walking away from my livelihood. I don’t think I ever mourned the loss of that properly – I don’t recall crying over it like I did so perhaps that’s the release I needed and maybe that energy is no longer stuck. I did break up with him following that episode. But in true narc fashion, he dialled up the charm and crept his way back in. The trauma bond exemplified. I ended up working for him, so I was completely trapped for well over a year until I left him for good 3 weeks before Christmas 2023.
I’ve got too much going on in my life right now which doesn’t help one iota. I want to sell my house and said to myself I would in 2024. But I didn’t know I’d be dealing with a mini dark night of the soul. I nearly signed the sale agreement for the 3rd time in 3 weeks, twice with the same agent as well! They must think I’m barking mad but who cares. It shows I’m not mentally ready: to get to brink of putting my home on the market 3 times in as many weeks only to get a mild panic attack each time and self-sabotage the process. I get the anxiety attack, only because I don’t want to buy straight away meaning I might be renting for a while and I have thoughts that I might want to move abroad. But I have no regular income coming in and I don’t want to dip into the spoils of my house so that was worrying me. Then I was entertaining the thought of living with my mum and partly renting a room with a friend and putting some stuff in storage (simply to save money). Sound convoluted. But then again the thought that I don’t have a regular income plagues me. And then I’m also thinking that I don’t really know where I want to move to and would like to move abroad. But what plagues me is I may not be able to get a working visa (you guessed it) because I don’t have a regular income. Hmm…I know my problem. But can I just pull a money-making business out of my arsehole overnight? Maybe yes, maybe no. But what I really want is to fulfil my purpose; I want to create something that IS me, that is an extension of me, something that gets me out of bed in the morning that I look forward to, because it’s IS me and who I am. Something that’s a heart decision not a head decision (and I’m overthinking again). This fucked up making money malarkey stops so many people from just living their life. It’s how the matrix is ‘purposefully’ designed – to stop you living your purpose! Rant over. So you get my drift….
Additionally to everything else going on, I’m working on healing the inner child. I did a chapter from the book I’m reading on reclaiming the infant me. It said to work with a trusted friend, a group or therapist. As I don’t have a therapist or a group right now or should I say can’t find a good therapist (why are they so elusive and slippery???), I asked a trusted friend and did an exercise this afternoon with her support on reclaiming the infant (baby) me. I think I did the exercise a bit wrong and was feeling a tad self conscious as her partner was outside mowing the lawn with one of those diesel mowers. So I’m not sure if I’ve reclaimed baby me properly but I think I’ll do the exercise again when I work on reclaiming the toddler me.
It’s overwhelming this healing malarkey. I wish it was as easy as pressing a button and being whole you again, the real you again. How do you actually get to that place?
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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