This has been sitting in my drafts for over a week. And I’ve been consistently inconsistent with these writings.(as ususal what’s new?). But I write for no one but myself. Anyway, here’s what’s been on my mind (amongst too many other things in my cluttered mind). I’ve been pondering trajectory, that each decision has with it a unique timeline and there’s many timelines (which also alludes to their being mulitple realities but I’m not going into that – thsi blog is not about quantum physics). The thing is there’s a multitude of decisions at any one point and therefore a multitude of trajectories; a trajectory that you won’t see until you’re at least few years down the line or a bloody decade in (and feeling the consequences of that!). The downside is that with with trajectory comes regret which is how I’ve been feeling lately. Full of regret. You regret the decisions that you didn’t make as much as the decisions you did make.
I’ve spiralled. And I keep spiralling. I’m up and down like a whores knickers at the moment. I’m regretting not ‘working harder’ and not making more money over the last decade/14 years to be precise and I don’t know where those years have gone. I could have ‘sucked it up’, sucked the living daylights out of my screaming soul and stayed in the rancid, controlling environment in which I’d built a career (self employed with conditions to suit them, not me) which, under duress, I chose to jump from prematurely in 2014 before giving them the satisfaction and control of unceremoniously pushing me out. You’d rather kill yourself than be mercilessly killed wouldn’t you? It was perpetrated by unscrupulous, hateful, jealousy-striken scum-bags making unfounded allegations against me, playing roulette with my life and livelihood which resulted in this part of my life being curtailed suddenly. Although being very honest, I was feeling completely numb and empty at that time, stuck in ‘unhappy success’, shackled in golden handcuffs of a healthy income, screaming in my own echo chamber from the top of a ladder that I knew I didn’t want to jump from (yet). I was beginning to loathe where I was and planning my escape but not at all ready for the ignominy of being ousted nor starting again as there was nothing for me to really get going with. But bottom-feeding scum tend to stick together and the allegations fed to HQ were taken at mere face value from whence a witch hunt trial ensued and I was summoned at their behest, which, quite frankly, I wasn’t inclined to partake in. Neither did I have any moral support so I was cornered into this battle alone. There was a dirty river of corruption flowing through that Company, akin to most big soul-less corp. It was a rancid cesspit of psycopathic, narcissistic, bottom-feeding scum, a cancer that grew from the top and rooted intself firmly in those of the same ilk. Like attracts like. I knew I would have got pushed out to suit them. But none of that would have happened if I was the ubitquitous, unabashed brown noser and begged on my hands and knees for mercy to do anything they asked of me and be eternally grateful for the ‘wonderful’ opportunity that they had given me affording me the success that I had, and that without them, I’d be a nothing. Typical corporate narcissim. Seems narcissism has followed me around in my life – I was oblivious back then that I came from a family of narcs and how dysregulated my system really was. I masked it all with false positivity. I always knew there was a mountain of unhealed wounds under the surface. I’m wondering does attracting narcs and psychos go hand-in-hand with the traumatised? Are those who have suffered childhood trauma more susceptible to allowing soul-sucking, parasitic demons infiltrate their lives (because we tend to have poor boundaries and we beg for connection, speaking of myself of course)?. Going back to “should I have stayed?”, I’d probably still be there had I have chosen to shut the fuck up, suck it all up, compromise and suppress myself spiritually, emotionally and mentally. On the plus side I’d have tens of thousands more in the bank. I’d probably have made at least £1m if not more in the last 12-14 years affording me better choices of what to do with my life and being able to buy a better house, although I’d have probably moved from Bastard Mews years ago. So there’s another trajectory. But I’d be both braindead and soul-starved, with the lights on but no one home, a shell of a human with a rotton turnip for a brain, That’s who I would have become had I have chased the money and I was half way there already in 2014 – just imagine what I’d be like now? Instead I chose to have a breakdown, a break through and an awakening with mini breakdowns along the way which chooses you – you don’t choose it. Unfortunately you can’t measure that in numbers. Perhaps I’ve clocked up a large balance in the account of my spiritual life whilst my human life catches up.
I can’t escape the fact that I’m still feeling very tetchy, irritable and triggered by regret as the lack of money = not being able to find the right house that’s roomy and spacious and away from people (yes I have a general disdain for the unconscious masses and can be quite misanthropic). And yes I’m moving from the toxic shithole I call Bastard Mews. If I had more money, I could be looking at better houses but I feel restricted and angry with myself for the choices I made over the last decade. We all have choices and trajectory, and the trajectory I chose was to sink, dismantle, fragment, breakdown, break open and begin the journey of inner healing and transformation, a journey which hasn’t concluded yet, peppered with trying to prematurely strive through it, only to find that I was a slug with deformed wings, not the butterfly. So I just threw some more salt over my sluggy self. The ‘not making-a-proper-living’ and ‘not-having-a-career’ is bothering me immensely. Here I am dicking around selling used books online for a pittance, having been unable to gather myself together and focus on building a proper, sustaining work life; the soul-sickness is an irritating pang that won’t ease up. My excuse is that I’m just having a bad time of starting my life again AGAIN from scratch, for the fourth time in my life. I’m up and down with a bad mood, snappy, nasty, bitchy, tearful, thinking the worst about people and just wanting to be left alone. I’m wondering, if a big, massive sum of money came and landed in my lap would I still be feeling like this? At least I’d have the house that I really want. I’m frustrated. There’s nothing else going on in my life. What am I doing with my life? Fuck all right now and it’s bothering me. I walked out of a small women’s wellness event last week as I got so triggered and nearly burst into tears by my nothingness and doing fuck-all-ness (someone suggested I appear on my friend’s online show and I said “what for, I’m doing fuck all with my life right now!!”). It’s an overwhelming awkwardness and a massive irritation that won’t subside. I need to be doing something purposeful and meaningful but I can’t slow down enough to focus on starting a new life. How do I rise from where I am? Seriously I feel cut off or perhaps I’ve cut myself off, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’m starting again AGAIN. The mountain feels too big. I allowed a narc-come-psycopath to ruin my life in 2022 and after leaving him in December 2023, I’ve not been able to gather the pieces of me properly and put myself back together again, just like Humpty Dumpty. I need to be doing so much more with my life. There’s a need to lead. There’s a need to influence. Or is that just ego? What am I doing with my life? How do I rise from where I am now and become who I’m meant to be? It’s really bothering me and I’m starting to feel very depressed about it. I have a running commentary that is constantly running in my head. No wonder I’m exhausted and irritated. There’s loads I could do. I’m a writer, a creative, an artist. I feel the overwhelming need to make a big difference in my own life and the lives of others. I need inspiration. I need guidance from some ‘thing’ bigger and higher or my higher self. How do I call that in? Am I being punished by something bigger than me? Struck down. For what? I need to shake myself and just get up in the morning and get on with things like I have a mission rather than rolling out of bed having nothing to look forward to, not knowing what I’m going to do that day, having overslept, bleary eyed and tetchy like I have been. Anyway, how did I get here from trajectory…?
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