Let’s talk about dysregulated. It’s happened twice in 7 days and I feel like I’ve regressed…
I fucking hate it; just when I think I’m healing and then BOOM something comes along to slap me hard in face and sends me stumbling and sliding down a slippery slope into the “trigger-dome”, reminding me that there are still open wounds that need addressing, things I thought were healed.
It happened last week and yesterday where the inner child erupted..
Last week’s was a not so proud “it’s okay for you” moment with someone I’ve been swapping trauma experiences with (is that a good thing or a bad thing?) Should we be trying to be sounding boards for others on their healing journey whilst we’re on our own journey? The bloke I had the little outburst with is on his own inner child wound healing journey it turns out and has been for a few months. I bumped into him at a friend’s place 3 weeks ago and it transpired during that conflab that he’s having therapy. Of course I knew exactly what he was talking about, shared some of my own pain and therein we found common ground; for the past 3 weeks or so we’ve been messaging and having the odd phone conversation.
But last week’s phone chat got ugly (on my part). I got triggered by his financial success (because part of me feels like a monumental fuck up as I find myself in the wilderness of my life again), he seems like a great father who’d kill for his kids (my father discarded me at birth for being a first-born girl child – I’ve never met him or had any contact with him for my 49 years on this planet), which also triggered my wounded inner child part that sometimes grieves for the comfortable, protected childhood she never had, and he has what sounds like a super-supportive wife holding space for him – I still haven’t found a significant other (not that I want a wife I’m not gay or any other ‘letter’). And I still have vestiges of The Narc in my psyche even though it’s been 16 months since I managed to leave him. Narcs are insidious creatures who infiltrate your spirit and soul. I do believe they are evil consuming forces in human bodies and I allowed him to hoover me up into his life, his way of thinking, his beliefs, his way of living – ALL ABOUT HIM. Anyway back to the outburst. We were talking about me moving forward with meaningful work (although I’m finding it difficult trying to figure that bit out), but I felt lectured and poked at by him. I’m not earning regular money and that bothers me, triggering a “I feel worthless” part. It was a typical man-trying-to-fix-woman instance but I felt hen-pecked instead, like I was doing something wrong, not making the right decisions, not doing enough and not good enough. And in that moment I was so triggered the inner child just burst out with it “it’s alright for you – you’ve got success and wealth and your family”, and instantly minimised his suffering, dismissing his internal pain in a “get over it you’ve got loads of stuff to be happy about” moment. I wasn’t proud of it. I course corrected and apologised via message immediately following the phone call. He gracefully accepted. But I haven’t heard anything from him in nearly a week when the messages prior that were fairly regular. Perhaps he’s having the same feelings as well that it’s not a great thing to rebound off another ‘ in therapy’ as a confidante or sounding board? It’s bound to trigger at some level. I realised that if I was living a meaningful life in some way and expressing my creativity, that I don’t think I would have felt so triggered by him. The unexpressed creativity is a pain body that gets triggered, that’s what I think anyway…
And then yesterday the nagged at, hen-pecked child for doing something insignificantly wrong got monumentally triggered. I was getting lectured by my sometimes covert-narcissitic victim-minded mother about fruit that she devotely buys and brings over to my house that goes off because I don’t eat it (which I do eat, perhaps the odd piece gets left, but it’s irrelevant in the grand scheme of things). I’ve noticed I don’t get much praise for doing things right or good, hearty and meaningful things that I do, but get hen pecked for tiny, irrelevant things I don’t do or don’t get right which is typical narc style (such as her buying fruit which I didn’t ask her to buy) and how it all goes off and it’s such a waste of time and money and how I should be grateful and should eat more fruit (even though I told her I do eat it – those pears and bananas didn’t just vanish into a fruit black hole vortex). But in true narc style the defence over the sheer irrelevant and meaningless tittle tattle fell on deaf ears and she continued to nag in her victim mode about the odd satsuma that dries up and how I’m a secret cheese eater in the evening and that I should eat fruit when I’m hungry in the evening (how can she say that I’m a secret cheese eater in the evening when she’s not even here!). So the inner child erupted in a child-like tantrum, telling her to fucking shut up with her lies and in child-like tantrum style threw my phone and keys across the room (which were in my hand). I’m lucky I didn’t dent the wall. It was either that or strangle her…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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