I’m feeling very flat, uninspired and unmotivated. It was like a wave of sad-sack-ness descended upon me out of nowhere yesterday and I’m struggling to write this…(a sad sack is sad, gloomy person….). I thought I was doing so well…
I realised last night that I hadn’t written for four days. Well, I lie. I actually had been doing writing work, but the heavy, time and mind devouring paperwork type writing that needed dealing with, which consumed me all of Monday and part of yesterday. Although I felt buoyant at the time as I had prepared everything I needed to write what turned out to be a 4 page monster complaint letter to the supposed local authority (they are not authority by the way but that’s another conversation for another blog), for some reason, I flat-lined mid-afternoon. I think I mentioned previously that I read in a book about when healing trauma not to put yourself in difficult situations…that it’s not a kind thing to do to yourself. I do concur with this. Over the past few months I’ve had waves of depression and grief and when I was feeling like that, I didn’t even want to poke any ‘pen sword fight’ stuff with stick. The mind isn’t sharp when all you want to do is retreat.
Anyway, half way through yesterday whilst making a stir fry for a late lunch, my energy just flat-lined and bottomed out, very suddenly, like a tidal wave, feeling very unmotivated. I felt completely flat and dull and un-energised. I just wanted to sit down and do nothing. I had zero motivation or inspiration. And things only felt worse when my next door neighbour continued his vendetta against the beautiful goat willow tree at the end of his garden, the branches tumbling into my garden, which he has progressively been hacking down (and I mean hacking, it’s savage) for the past few years. I hate tree cutting. He’ll go to hell for that. Not that I believe in hell. I mean hell on earth. But trees having a symbiotic relationship with us humans, we need to to nuture them as life givers. We shouldn’t harm them and if we do in an unceremonious attack against nature, expect tree retribution at some point in your life, whatever that is. So I stormed out of the house for a drive and came back to witness what I can only describe as a macabre hacking of one side of the tree (the other side still has foliage). It looks like one of those women’s haircuts that’s shave on one side and long on the other. I prayed for the goat willow.
Back to my feeling flat-lined. I really do think it’s connected to living in your head too much. As trauma survivors, we tend to live in our heads, our inner child never gets a look in and it’s the cause of stress and much anxiety, which can be paralysing. I was thinking far too much yesterday (in fact I always do think too much which I’m really trying to change) and I do believe that is the reason why I’ve really had to dig deep to unearth and kindle the creative spark this morning. I sat down to write and the stream of consciousness seem disconnected. Literally. I couldn’t access the words I wanted to, they weren’t flowing to me as they usually do and I felt stuck, probably what they call writer’s block. And it’s ironic that only last night I was watching a video on Youtube about learning not to think (there is a big difference between thought and thinking) and learning to ‘be’ to raise one’s vibration. I’m still feeling a bit sticky right now but it feels good to write and make the connections in my healing journey between my mental and emotional state and what is happening on the outside. Life is inside-out after all….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
Leave a Reply