So today I had a hypnotherapy session with a new therapist. I really connected with her over the phone last week (although I was a blubbering mess when I phoned her). She has a spiritual base and understanding like me so I thought we’d be a good fit and I was right. We seem to get along well and that’s important for me, someone you feel very comfortable with. After talking about my emotional upsets, triggers and some of my past childhood trauma we did some hypnosis and release work, to start letting go of allllll the trauma and upsets and wounds I’d stored up over my lifetime so far. We are all like pressure cookers and we hang on to hurts and upsets and traumas, big and small, which literally get layered up inside us over time. If we don’t let go of them, they build up so much and it takes just one small thing to make us crack open and explode or break down. It’s the same thing really.
The hypnosis was interesting. With her guidance, I allowed my subconscious to take over and to imagine releasing all the trauma, people, upsets, wounds and hurts. At first I could see people’s faces floating out of the top of my head up and away into the sky. Then I visualised the negative people and experiences coming out of my feet into the ground, and then these traumas coming back up as poppies, sunflowers and peonies. Is that what it is being an alchemist? In my hypnosis I was being encouraged by a woman I knew in my previous career called Helen, who has sadly passed over to the other side many years ago. Strangely she hasn’t entered my consciousness for a long time but it seems she was ready to visit me. Perhaps she’s my guide? I believe in spirit guides, we should call on their help more often.
After the two hour session I was feeling a bit raw and tender – I did have a cry in my session when my therapist was helping me pull the sadness out of me – metaphorically but also energetically. And that’s what I’ve been full of all my life – sadness and anger. Those are the two emotions that have dominated my life. It brings me to tears writing this down. But then it is cathartic for me to write all of this down. it’s the release I need to get it out of me, out there (wherever out there is). In recent years, probably a decade or so, I’ve experienced more regret linked to self abandonment. Perhaps part of me died at aged 12 when I experienced the shock of sudden abandonment perpetrated by immediate family members I loved, leaving me and my mother in a desolate and dangerous situation where we were living at the time. (we were victimised through racial abuse and violence at that point). I don’t remember feeling anything when my aunts suddenly left me and my mum, overnight, taking what they wanted, including money and possessions that didn’t belong to them. I don’t even remember crying. I abandoned myself and something else took its place. A bit like the Babadook -have you ever seen that move about unresolved, internalised pain? I would recommend it. It’s a bit creepy but if you can get over that then the movie has a strong metaphorical message. I made the distinction today that the triggers in my life, being dumped by friends, are the re-enactments of what is floating around in my psyche, and which forces me to feel and weep over what I didn’t feel or weep about at 12. Perhaps it’s that terrorised, abandoned 12 year old that needs to heal so that the middle aged me can heal. Plus I’ve never been hurt by a friend as much as when JKR suddenly dumped our friendship back in February and cut me off completely. I absolutely wept over that and grieved like I have never grieved a friendship before. It hurt deeply. But it was reminiscent of my aunts leaving me overnight. I never saw it coming. And I never saw JKR cutting me off overnight either. I loved her like a sister. Perhaps that was meant to happen because I needed to heal the childhood abandonment?
By the way, I don’t know if I mentioned this but I finally messaged JKR on Saturday and confronted her about what she did. Glad I didn’t hold my breath for a reply…fucking coward…
Anyway I don’t think I’m out of the woods yet and I will be seeing her again, but all of these visualising techniques are things we can do in meditation, asking our guides for support with our healing, finding new ways to heal the psyche so that the negative patterns don’t repeat. I don’t know who I really am. I don’t know who I am if I didn’t have the childhood trauma. I don’t know who or what I would have grown up to be, what sort of life I’d be living, with whom, where and how. I just want to know who the real me is. I am hoping I’ll discover that through these days. weeks and months of healing and exploration. It’ll be interesting to see in a years’ time what these blogs look like and how far I’ve come. It’s difficult to measure internal healing. But I suppose I’ll only have the answer to that when I’m looking back….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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