These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes an essay. Sometimes a one liner. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
5 August 2025
I’ve been feeling really let down and abandoned again – I had new kitchen cupboard doors to hang and no one helped. Just excuses. I couldn’t hire anyone to do as it’s not worth someone coming out for (what the actual fuck – work is work). Man Friend 1 (not my BF my friend’s hubby) said he was going to help on Saturday. Then he called me the day before he was due to come over to tell me he had songs to practice for a new band he is with. Why didn’t he just tell me that sooner than the day before he was supposed to arrive, after I’d taken off all the old doors off my units, had a mound of polystyrene and plastic in a heap in my lounge and started drilling holes and attaching the doorknobs ready on the new doors, just to save a bit of time! I would have waited if I’d have known sooner!! I had a feeling he was going to cancel. Cuz I’d started I thought I might as well muddle and struggle through it. Which I did and it took me four fucking days to struggle hanging 9 doors and 4 drawer fronts watching Youtube videos. My mum tried to help a bit but I was doing all the drilling, heavy lifting and measuring myself (as I had stupidly measured one drill hole out by 3mm which meant re positioning every door hinge!!!) It was a clusterfuck, a bloody nightmare but I got through it in 4 days….on my own. Always on my own. Never anyone there to help. Why did I have to go through this alone as a woman on my own? None of the man friends around gave a flying fuck. All I got was excuses. Whether they were true or not I’ll never know. I thought that MF 1 was lying about his gig as he said he’d help on the following Sunday (9th Aug) following a gig the night before on the Saturday night, which didn’t stack up. Why the fuck would you do a gig on the evening and promise that you’ll be at someone’s house early the next day? Surely you’d be tired? He’s not young and 60 in a couple of years. Meantime Man Friend 2 (just a friend) claimed he had a fall and bruised his ribs or something like that. I had a very, very, very long, detailed message from him. It felt too long and too explain-y. Way too much detail and justified. It didn’t stack up either. Being unwell or injured is the best most convenient excuse ever cuz you can only meet it with empathy and pity. I just feel so unsupported and let down and abandoned by everyone. I’m always left on my own to get on with it. There’s no one ever there truly there for me. If I dropped down dead tomorrow no one would know cuz no one gives a toss. All of this is really triggering me right now, it’s the last thing I need after all the shit that’s gone on this year and I’m just feeling like no one gives a fuck about me. Thre’s no one there for me. I’m truly on my own. I feel really, really let down and it’s brought up so many feelings of unworthiness, not good enough, bottom of the list, bottom of everyone’s list. I feel like I’m always there for other people but no one’s there for me.
Leave a Reply