These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes a one liner. Sometimes an essay. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
8 October 2025
I’m sitting with my wounded little girl. I’m sorry, I neglected you, for nearly two months. I haven’t sat with you for weeks. I’m sorry I haven’t had time for you. I’m sorry I’ve neglected you for weeks. The writing that I was doing regularly felt like coming home but that’s stopped. I haven’t actually sat with my child parts, I haven’t stopped and I’ve neglected them. I recall sitting on the sofa a few weeks ago, bawling my heart out so hard. I know my child parts have felt unappreciated, unsupported, unvalued, neglected, sensitive, fragile, and all of me has felt flat. I’m tired. I don’t want to get up in the mornings. I can sleep and my body feels heavy. I have no purpose. Each day is melting into another.
I’m so numb right now I can’t even find the words. I’m not feeling anything right now. Apart from the busyness of life – it’s been extra busy trying to get the houses ready for sale which was a good distraction but hard work, doing the kitchen cupboards and all the DIY and decorating at mum’s house. Me and my parts like a challenge. That’s me and you little girl. But there’s also been constant drama and aggro. It’s been fight, fight, fight and I know my inner child doesn’t want to fight. We were on the road to healing and then it stopped. It was stopped by me. Bastards got in way and I had to deal with the legal battle for months. I’m so off balance that the stream of consciousness isn’t even flowing right now. The words are usually readily available. They say life is a mirror of the internal. Am I still fighting? All these battles, the cases, the fight, going on the attack just a mirror of my inner world. Am I still at war within? There’s no balance in my life right now; there should be more fun, creativity, meaning & purpose to balance the fights. Otherwise life is just fight, fight, fight. One big fight club. I shouldn’t be fighting, my life shouldn’t be like this. I feel the best when I flow from my creative space. That’s being with the inner child, allowing my inner creative to flow.
We really do not want to fight any more. The little girl doesn’t want to be pulled into it. But I’ve always had a strong part of me that wants justice. What is this energy of wanting to put people in their place? It’s never enough. It’s always one fight too many. And the latest drama in a string of bullshit and drama here in Bastard Mews has led me to a conscious juncture. If I continue to fight with a deranged and unhinged pig then I’m just going to get muddy and dirty, and the pig will remain a pig. I’ll just be lowering myself to rolling around in the mud.
The wounds have really come up to the surface. What I need is self care and countryside, to be with myself, to be with my creativity. My space is toxic. My house is toxic. My vicinity is toxic. It’s not a haven. My home should be haven but it’s not. I don’t even want to be here. The next house needs to be a haven where I’m happy not to leave if I don’t want to, with views and peace to be. Just as in the song I am like a bird and I do want to fly away. But I’ve become the fight; that’s what I’ve allowed my life to become over the last 5-6 years. I’ve become the fire rather allowing the fire to come and go when necessary. You can’t be fire all the time, you’ll burn out otherwise. But my life feels peppered with pockets of unfinished business. Can I just walk away? Will that make me weak? The people who have tried to fuck me over in the past have had their comeuppance in various ways. The most recent instalment with the deranged and unhinged pig woman has been a lesson in dealing with victim minded malignant narcs. I decided just to block her after she turned up with her girlfriend unannounced to my home one evening and put the money she owed me through my letterbox in loose change. At least I was important enough for her to waste her time going through the trouble of doing that when it would have been far easier and quicker just to pay me online. I just blocked her after that. Could have taken it further but choosing my inner peace was much more important. I was supposed to be taking time off to heal but I’m getting into fights all the time. It’s not the best thing for me right now. Not at all.
But I am learning inner peace. It’s learned. The silence. Allowing silence as a tool when needed and as weapon. I am learning distance. And I am learning that not fighting is not weakness.
I just want to be in peace. I just want to be in my happy place.
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