These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes a one liner. Sometimes an essay. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
17 September 2025
I’m waking up with crap on my mind nearly every day. My life is just fight, fight, fight from every angle. There’s just no joy. The fat bitch is creating more drama again. Just because she’s bitter and twisted that I found out that her and her husband are cheating, lying thieves. She can’t help but send digs over the smallest thing she can or create drama to make herself feel important, to try and assert an authority that she doesn’t have. She a pathetic useless human being.
Living here and putting up with all the toxic bollocks is like being in a job you hate. I fully understand what it feels like being in a place you really don’t want to be in. I need some relief and release. The constant drama & aggro is just too much to deal with, especially after the court stuff this year. I feel like my home is toxic and imbued with all the negative energy that this year has brought. It’s the aftermath of all of that and the cumulative effects of everything that’s happened over the last few months are have built up and feeling very depressed. I was busy with the house and DIY which kept all of those feelings at bay but now I’ve got no distractions, the low feelings are engulfing me.
I’m finding it difficult to find the words and articulate how low I’m feeling. It’s a muscle that needs flexing. I feel like I want to cry buy I can’t like a balloon filled with water that needs bursting. I remember crying so hard a few weeks ago feeling so alone and unsupported that made the cat look worried but I just can’t get the emotion out right now. I feel blocked. The prevailing feelings are hating where I live, not wanting to go home (being out of the house as much as possible) and going to a home that feels toxic. I just want to get away. Being somewhere you don’t belong and hating your own home is not a good place to be in at all.
I can’t find the feelings for the goodness in my life. There is no goodness. There’s no joy. A laugh is sporadic and feels flat. I don’t feel happy when I laugh. It’s empty and noise above the depression and sadness. The only happy place right now is the park and the swans and lake. Just peace, pure peace, and tranquility. It’s been my haven this year, my place of escape. I just want to be living my life. I need to learn a new way to be, for my inner little girl, and for me.
Leave a Reply