These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes a one liner. Sometimes an essay. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
10 September 2025
I had a dream last night that I was screaming and letting out all my rage against my aunt. She was at the front door of a gathering I was at. I don’t think it was a party. She had a nice camel colour coat on and red lipstick. I wasn’t expecting her it was a surprise to see her. When I opened the door to what felt like a grand home that I was in, the doors felt big and grand, she ran away when she saw me. I chased her into a green field and she was running and I was chasing until I caught up with her, almost like a tackle and I screamed at her do you know what you did? Do you know how traumatised I was from what you did? You left us in danger. You fucking cunt. I could feel my upset all over my body in my dream. I could feel the rage as I screamed. I screamed that she stole some of my inheritance. I was beside myself. I was then back in that original family home wher I grew up and saw the other two aunts referring to them as cunts to their face. They had nothing to say as I poured my heart out in anguish, grief and rage all melted into one tirade of rage against them, what they had done. I was screaming so hard I was running out of breath. I may have been crying as well I can’t remember. But it took all my energy. It was coming from a place of deep grief, unresolved grief and pain. None of them said anything. I screamed saying you took all my birthday cards that I was collecting and just binned them. You cunt! And then there’s this other cunt and pointed at K and then I looked up, was sat down and pointed up at U and said there’s this cunt. I was inconsolable, I was completely dysregulated. The depth of hurt and pain was palpable I know my mum was having a conversation with them and then my mum handed a cheque from one of them to me for £11,000 it was torn in two but in a way that I could tape it back up again. Mum looked sheepish as she gave the cheque to me.
I woke up feeling depleted. The dream has stayed with me all day. I know what it could mean although I don’t want to say it openly. I have a lot of dreams about that family home. A lot of my dreams are based there. There’s so much unresolved pain from that period of my life.
I’ve been feeling sensitive all day following the dream and I’ve been feeling like I need to cry although I haven’t. I felt all the raw emotions in my dream and I woke up feeling the aftermath of those emotions. My body was tired and heavy as it would be if you’d been in emotional turmoil but that was in my dream, I felt it then but the feeling has lingered all day. I’m questioning my healing progress although I’m learning to stay calm, detached and examining triggers. I’m still getting triggered and my emotions are heightened.
Met a lady at my yoga class tonight and she has exactly the same name as one of my AWOL aunts. And she’s the same age as another of my AWOL aunts. I’ve got two AWOL aunts. I thought gosh, she could be my aunt. And I felt really sad. She was a really nice lady, easy to get along with. I was envious of her thick hair. Mines been falling out constantly. I wanted to instantly keep in touch, that neediness in wanting to make a connection too quickly. I thought she might be a nice friend, perhaps we’ll get to know each other and she might become part of my surrogate family so I lingered after the class but the conversation didn’t happen so I reigned myself in recognising that things will happen organically if they are meant to. I always run away with myself too quickly when I meet nice people. I need to keep building the connection with myself and retain my energies rather than being too needy for connection. The little girl within me needs looking after right now. I’m feeling sensitive and vulnerable, I’m not as bouyant as usual and feel decidedly flat and lack lustre. Maybe I need a change of scenery but I didn’t exactly enjoy the curry club and wasn’t as switched on with cards against humanity, I was just vacant. I didn’t talk as much. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or crack jokes and be silly like I’ve done in the past.
I also rescued a kitten today with severe cat flu. It crawled into my garden out of nowhere. I’m feeling sensitive. I need to cry. I’m trying to distract myself with wanting to phone some one or absorb myself with mindless TV but I need to tend to the inside, my inner world.
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