These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes a one liner. Sometimes an essay. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
17 August 2025
High hopes….I had high hopes when the unholy trinity came back in mine and mum’s lives around 2010. Don’t even know why I’m thinking about this right now. Thoughts just come up like this from the past and hijack my mind I was 30-something back then and morphed back into the little girl instantly, believing that the family might come back together. I’ve always been a little girl trapped in a woman’s body. I started thinking about Birthdays and Diwali celebrations together, like a kiddie in a sweet shop, dreaming way too prematurely. It’s the same sort of foolishness as when you meet someone on a first date that you really get on with and you start dreaming about your wedding and what your kids might look like. It’s that kind of childish, premature dreaming. How bloody wrong was I. My hopes were dashed when I came hurtling down from the sky at a 30,000ft freefall and crashed down again into a million more pieces. The bones of my hopes and dreams shattered into painful shards and pieces. And to add insult to injury I believed that whole family coming together malarkey again when my mother had a heart attack; how old was I then? 38 think. I thought mum being hospitalised, a near family tragedy, would bring the family back together. Nope I was wrong again and I didn’t learn. This time only one third of the unholy trinity paid half hearted visits to her in hospital and once again, my hopes of a family reunion were shattered quickly. I felt so alone and realised just how alone I really am. That if mum wasn’t around then who the fuck have I really got? I really feel like it’s time to avenge the little girl. Get the retribution she deserves and that she never got. I regret a lot of things that I didn’t do or say to them. Regret is a funny thing. It’s a useless feeling. But it’s a pain body that needs listening to as well, to feel it, to acknowledge it and to learn from past mistakes. I think regret is saying that when opportunity presents itself, to just take it. I’ve been in a disassociated stupor most of my life when it comes to my inner little girl. She needs some attention. I really need to lean in and feel into her, what she wanted, her hopes, her dreams, her desires. And she wants justice and retribution for the wrong that was done to her. It’s about time.
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