These are my diarised series of ‘thought notes’ that I Whatsapp’d to myself from August 2025 -January 2026, (a blogging hiatus lasting 5 months). Sometimes an essay. Sometimes a one liner. All raw, unabated truth. Any similiarities to persons living or dead is purely coincidental…
11 August 2025
Perhaps I allow myself to be disrespected? Being too available and too nice. Doing too much for people. Is that why people let me down, ignore me, because I’m too needy and willing to do too much for others? I’ve never thought of myself as a people pleaser but maybe I am? I don’t really have any real friends. Right now I’m being ignored whilst she (J) responds to other messages. I know that cuz she’s in the same WA group as mum. It triggers these feelings of worthlessness. She’s played that one before that she forgot to reply or “I thought I’d replied to you”. I really hate that. There’s a sensitivity, fragility and delicateness about me. A memory has just popped up. Don’t know why and from where. That happens quite a lot a memory popping up from the past. It’s from around 2011/2012. I was desperate for a mentor. I met MS, a business-y type of woman from London. Nice lady. She seemed to have it together – nice demeanor, not arrogant, well and softly spoken. It was at a breakfast event in London, at that Gherkin building in London. The Rise of the Lipstick Entrepreneurs it was called. I was asked to go to by the company I was with back then. I was so out of my depth. I was sat next to Teresa May of all people. She wasn’t prime minister then. Can’t remember what MP she was back then and for where. I remember I didn’t know how to relate to her or what to say. MS was nice though and I followed up with her after the event. MS did her own events for women in Covent Garden. She had a cute little office there. She was an advocate for women, I knew that. But I just needed someone to steer me in the right direction. She seemed like a good fit. I remember going to one of her networking events in at her Covent Garden office. There were some corporate-y types there and some women who has their own business. It was an event about fashion and fashion memories/how it defines us. I remember I took my first ever evening dress I ever bought – a full length dark green velvet gown with green and white feathers around the top. It was off one shoulder. I remember I bought it for £14 at an outlet place. I’m sure it would have been £200+ brand new. We had to talk briefly about the piece we bought along. There was some corporate-y up her own arse type there who was some special guest speaker for MS. I recall MS said to me that I need to win more awards. She said that because the fake arse corporate-y type asked MS who I was and if I’d won any awards (basically if was significant). But whose choosing the fucking award and whose judging you? I felt like a fake and fraud nevertheless. I don’t know why I’m thinking about this memory. Maybe I have a need to be important. I feel a lump in my solar plexus. I am fragile with a frozen heart. That’s the irony as I have a heart that yearns to love and be loved.. How do I love if I’m frozen? I unwittingly let my guard down in 2020/21 (without any discernment) and unfroze my heart for a complete narcy wanker. The on the rebound in 2022 got involved with another narcissist, worse than the first. Two narcs in a row. I’m feeling upset. But when I speak to the pain it subsides and so do the tears. When I say I see you and it’s ok to feel like I do. There’s a lack of value, a feeling of worthlessness. That’s how I feel right now.
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