I’ve spiralled over the past few days, since last Thursday. I’ve been feeling depressed, lost, with no feeling or purpose, no direction, lost in the wilderness of my life (again – I’ve been here before) and the same compulsive thoughts flying around my mind that I can’t seem to get rid of. I got up too late (again). I’m feeling paralysed this morning, can’t get my butt out of the house for a 5 mile walk (to walk off the binge eating last night – my energy was frantic and tight and the only release was to eat) and haven’t done any of my nervous system regulation exercises properly for a few days. I hate that feeling of being paralysed to do anything. It’s probably that sluggish, slow energy that takes over if you don’t get up. In Ayurveda that call it tamasic energy. You have to kick yourself out of that energy. I’ve got zero motivation to do anything but write this post. I’m cocooning myself, avoiding reading emails that may have an element of conflict in them and I don’t have the mental resilience to want to deal with anything right now. Writing this feels good though.
I suppose I’ve answered my question. I haven’t been exercising my body or doing my regulation exercises. I think that really helps and the fact that I haven’t done it shows…but I had gotten caught up in the shit storm of over-doing for the last few days… getting my house show-home-looking spotless for the photographer to do the house pictures (who was due to come on Friday) – it was like a mid-summer spring clean, frantically cleaning, tidying, hiding things that could ‘spoil’ a photo – I was literally at it all effing day and I still hadn’t finished Friday morning. I was exhausted physically and mentally and hadn’t eaten properly. I had decided to put my house on the market only to have a strong gut feeling nudging me last Thursday/Friday to contact another agent (who valued my house last year). Anyway I followed the gut: the other guy honoured the cheaper quote he gave me last year, was more informed about the market and had better terms. So I think that was a good call. That meant cancelling the contract I signed only last week with the almost-put-it-on-the-market-with-them folks with a stern notice of termination. That was a ‘phew’ type of moment last Friday but I don’t know if they are going to try and screw me for breach of contract. Thankfully I have a good legal head on me, although I’m not legally trained.
It was a very stressful few days last week. In addition to that, the cats had cat flu and then I find out on Saturday he’s got fleas!!! So another frantic day cleaning and flea treating not only the cat but the entire house. And then I started feeling nauseous and feverish with a temperature that lasted into Sunday….and here I am feeling flat as witches tit (thanks narc for that analogy, he had a way with words I’ll give him that).
So, it’s most probably a combination of all of that stress leading me to feel depleted, flat and depressed. Although depression has been something else that has plagued my life for a long time and another sign of a traumatised system. All I want is some inner peace, some stability and some clear direction in my life that I can settle into. I hate scrambling around trying to find myself. This happened to me before in 2017 when I had a breakdown and I was scrambling around like a headless chicken trying to find myself (I think this is a mini breakdown I’m having right now). Last time I didn’t realise that all the trauma that had stacked up broke me. And it’s happened again: the trauma of a narcy relationship and the sudden abandonment by a so called friend (that I absolutely did not see coming) broke me again. However this time, I am taking the time to deal with the trauma, the traumatised body, healing that wound. It is very difficult to try and find direction when it’s a time of reflection and staying still, not forging and striving forward…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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