I feel like I’ve fallen off the wagon…I haven’t written since 27 July. But I do have a very valid excuse. It’s because I *actually* took a dear friend’s advice to get out of my mental and daily rut (I’m a pro at NOT taking advice!!) and went away for a week for a sojourn, on my own. Solace is magical. And oh what a perfectly healing break it was. It couldn’t have been more perfect. What started off as a lastminute dot com, spontaneously booked, unplanned break (I booked it all only 3 weeks ago) turned into a magical escapade where the universe and stars seemed to line up for me, having serendipitous conversations with some really nice strangers and meeting up with warm-hearted, welcoming, kindred-spirits, acquaintances already in my circle, whom I felt genuinely supported by with nourishing conversation that soothed my soul. And in between I mostly had my own company, that along with few animals too. I only travelled about 3.5 hours or so south of me in the car (to get near the countryside and the beach), but it was a detox my mind, body, spirit and soul was begging me to take which was well overdue. I can honestly, wholeheartedly say it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in years, probably in the last decade, and I don’t say that lightly!
I wish I’d have done this for myself when I was unceremoniously pushed out of my career in 2014 and headed for my first major breakdown. I kept saying back then that I was going to do something for myself (plus had more money back then as well). But I was in self-preservation mode and trying to get on, onwards and upwards, heavily entrenched in survival mode trying to ‘make it’ again like some sort of ‘come-back-queen’. I didn’t realise the delight of solace back then, alone time, just doing things for the self and how healing and creativity begins in to stir within you only when you stop thinking and doing and start ‘being’ and take the reigns off your life for a while. You find yourself even more when you take yourself away from your environment and put yourself in a different energy space. Life seems to opens up to you, especially the more spontaneous and less structured you are as you then allow the unknown into the mix. Living on my nerves all of my life, I’ve never allowed myself to do anything like this for me. But when you do, it’s as though life takes over, knowing what you need, where to go and what conversations you need to have.
The sojourn has been incredibly rich and healing, giving me a new found confidence, new perspective on my next steps in life, acquaintances that I now consider as growing friendships, and, most importantly for me, re-igniting my inner artist. I’ve had some sort of weird artist’s block for years. As a child I was naturally good at art and looking back, it was a path I should have taken. The art (along with the inner writer) has been left on the dusty ‘gun-a-do’ shelf for my entire life. And the longer you leave your inner treasure, the harder it is to dig it up from within you. Since my breakdown in 2017, I’ve tried since to do some art, but looking back, it felt as though I had a half-hearted, ‘poke-it-with-a-stick’ attitude to see if it works, joining the odd art class, but not allowing myself to continue as it wasn’t ‘productive’ time. Well, those three days of solace in the cabin on the hill stuck, basking in the sheer peace and tranquility of nature, (preceded by a wonderfully inspiring conversation with a local artist) resulted in some really good pieces of art, animals in particular. For someone who hasn’t allowed herself to do any art for at least 5 years, I couldn’t believe how good the pieces turned out and I now want to do more and hone my talent even more. I definitely would NOT have done these in my bullshit filled hum drum life back in the city trying to heal myself. Nature is healing; solace is healing; allowing yourself space is healing; allowing yourself to thrive is healing.
I didn’t want to come home and literally had to prise myself away from the hilltop cabin in a field where I stayed for the last 3 nights of my break. It is true: nature is healing. That and no wifi connection.
I’ve been back for nearly 3 days and of course, with piles of washing, piles of post and catching up with the general bollocks and bullshit of hum drum daily life, I haven’t had the time or space to sit down an write. Plus I’ve been insanely tired and catching up with sleep. No, not because I’d been on all-night raves being a down-right party animal, but tiredness from driving, lack of sleep from rain howling down on a cabin I stayed in, and the sheer inconsiderate and selfish nature of people: namely loud music bouncing off the valley hills like an echo-chamber, booming out of a country pub on a Saturday night for a 40th party. And even more inconsiderate, selfish fuckwits banging room doors shut in a hotel I stayed for one night at 3am on a Friday night, violently waking me from sleep and ruining my Saturday, feeling zombie-esque all day with a headache to match. Sleep deprivation does catch up with you. But I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Whilst I was away, I walked in the sunshine, swam in the cool sea, basked in nature, talked to animals and finally did some art. I didn’t ‘do’ anything I normally do at home with wanting to heal the childhood trauma, all the somatic work I’ve been doing, yoga, breathing etc….I’m not saying that stuff isn’t important, but this experience I know has been truly life-changing for me.
Perhaps being kind to yourself and allowing yourself to step out of the ordinary is healing. Perhaps allowing yourself to ‘be’ is healing; perhaps healing isn’t a tick-box thing you need to ‘do’ but simply about exploring your life in a non-hedonisitc way and allowing yourself to do things that feed your soul, letting go of thoughts that unnecessarily, untethering your soul to do exactly what it wants. just like a child….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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