I’ve read that being mentally scattered or just plain scatty is a by product of a fucked up, deregulated nervous system from early trauma It’s how I feel this morning. Scatty, scattered and totally ADHD, where I can’t focus on my morning yoga and exercise routine (because my mind is anxious racing around everywhere). You’d think the yoga would calm me down. It’s a feeling of worry and anxiety, because I feel like I have no stability and wondering how I’m going to make money (that’s how ‘the system’ likes to keep invisible chains on you with the worry of money ticking away at the back of your mind). Why don’t I get a job, you ask? Because when you’ve worked for yourself and been independent, the though of having a job is akin to the feeling of (for me anyway) a prison sentence.
Anyway this morning I’ve flitted from trying to do my morning yoga/exercise/nervous system regulating exercises to tidying up in the kitchen to thinking that I need a cup of tea and write (because I haven’t written for a few days). And this is my almost daily stream of consciousness. I got up earlier than usual as well so I’m feeling like I’ve let myself down with not committing to my exercise schedule (as I want to lose around 3.5 kgs) That’s half a stone in old money. But, it’s best not to berate myself and treat myself with compassion….My mind feels like it’s 100% miles an hour. I have one mental speed setting and that’s ‘get-things-done-quick’. I’ve always been like that I don’t know why and I don’t know where I’m trying to get to. Although I did drive ‘normally’ yesterday, not trying to race ahead and get ahead and worrying I’m not going to get through the green light quick enough, but just paced myself without worrying about any other driver.
Which leads me to….
Accident prone.
That’s another manifestation of a body in trauma living in a dysregulated state. I’m always banging an elbow or bashing into something or tripping over something or twisting an ankle or dropping something on the floor (my accident-proneness has happened several times this week already). Or when I’m driving, going over something in the car causing it to nearly bottom-out or reversing into something (even though the reverse sensors are beeping their little heads off – if they have heads).
which leads me to….
Hyper sensitive.
That’s another ‘thing’. When you say something, like a joke or just a bit of banter and think you’ve upset someone so you scrabble and back pedal to try and undo what you think you might have said? Or the inability to take a joke thinking that it’s actually aimed at you (cuz you think you’ve done something wrong) or that you’ve upset someone (which is why they are ‘joking’).
I’ve learned that my dysregulated nervous system (as a by product of childhood trauma) is delicate and fragile and. And that’s ok. I want to change overnight but I’ve got to take it in my stride, have to the intention to heal and keep doing the things that help me to heal especially the somatic stuff like cold showers and cold water swimming. And talking therapy. I need a good counsellor….I liked what that scatty counsellor said to me a few weeks ago, on the first and last session. Pity her communication was diabolical and decided to cancel on me at the last minute rather than sending me a gentle reminder that I’d forgotten to pay….hmmmm…..
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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