I started writing out this post yesterday. Usually I can complete a post quite quickly and get into my flow as this stuff just oozes out of me. But I was finding it really difficult to write yesterday and I felt very, very shitty…. I’m wasn’t flowing and I felt clogged up (in fact I am physically clogged up and shan’t regale you with tales of my bowel movement). It’s probably because I’ve got a shed load on my mind right now. Yes, yes, I’ve written everything down on a ‘to do’ list but it’s still weighing down on me. I didn’t do any exercise yesterday and to top it all off, I just didn’t want to get out of bed this morning and lay there till 8.45am whilst my cat meowed his head off begging me to feed him. I wanted to do some yoga and some body weight stuff yesterday but sat down to look at an email in the morning and once you’re glued to that screen it sucks you in like a black hole vortex, never to pull yourself away from it. Do you know the feeling? And then this morning I was lounging around procrastinating until 10am or so in my PJ’s and dressing gown, although I DID meditate and do some pranayama (yes that’s what it’s called, not ‘breathwork’; lets give credence to the ancient yogic tradition and call what it SHOULD be called).
Anyway still haven’t done any exercise today (and I binged last night on toast). My energy is off and I didn’t feel like driving the half hour it takes to get to the open water lake where I really could do with a swim to jolt my body back into healing mode. I hate it when I let myself down like that and don’t take care of my body. Does having too much on your mind and feeling overwhelmed slow you down meaning you achieve nothing? I think it does and I hate feeling like this. I have forms to fill out and letters to write for various things, I need to do research about moving overseas, my mum needs help writing her will, I don’t have a career/not making any money and need to focus on building one, I have three online courses that I’ve bought, started two and not finished (usual) and bought another course a few days ago. Plus I’m about to put my house on the market again (which I did a couple of weeks ago, had panic attack, well it was an attack of very cold feet, and terminated the contract). I feel exhausted just reading that :-/
I just feel so overwhelmed with everything and squeezed, spreading myself too thinly when all I want to do is nothing: life is saying stop and slow down, enjoy, discover, re-discover, regain spirit and energy and heal. I can feel it, I’m in a retrograde energy, but I need to move forward at the same time. Slowing down to do yoga or a workout or go outdoor swimming and read, do the healing work is what I need every day to help me relax, heal and feel good. But here I am with what feels like a mountain on my back and a putrified brain trying to climb that mountain. They are important decisions I wanted to make this year but didn’t know I’d be dealing with a mini breakdown and emotional roller coaster as well.
On top of that, here I am, working on trying to heal my childhood trauma. Shouldn’t I be creating a safe, cosy haven internally and externally to help myself, not bogging myself down with an ever-growing to-do list, mentally exhausting tasks and possibly turning my life upside-down? I have read that in healing time, it’s best to stay away from anything that isn’t going to serve me mentally, emotionally and spiritually…giving myself mentally tough tasks is only going to put me on a sticky wicket.
My gut isn’t right, my digestion seems all over the place, I’m out of sync with all the self-help vagus work I was doing, I’m not working out enough or doing enough yoga and to mitigate the feeling I’m snacking too much to feel better, drinking too much tea and coffee and I’m still not getting up at a decent hour which would help massively in at least doing some wellbeing things. In fact, just making myself get up at 6.30am when I wake up naturally would be transformative for me, I know it, but just not doing it. I am going to try my best to wake up earlier.
My mind is still operating at a million miles per hour in super-survival mode and I’m really not my best. I try and slow down but I can’t as my mind feels too heavy with all the things I have to do and which needs attention, and the anxiety of a big list of stuff anchors me down, taking me away from my healing. However I am trying to drive more slowly, consciously, so that’s something new for me. And not be so aggressive on the road.
Writing all of this down hasn’t made me feel any better but as they say better out than in. I just want to heal but there’s too much external shit that takes me away from that. Perhaps conditions will never be perfect and I simply have to prioritise me and my wellbeing rather than having to stuff my healing into the nooks and crannies of my life?
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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