It’s a Saturday sunny midday and I’m sitting down to write this blog. I’m not sure how many Saturdays I’ve sat down to write.
I feel strangely peaceful and calm today; I don’t feel so stormy from within today. What it could be is I did do some yoga this morning along with vagus nerve resert work (the funny eyeball thing looking to the corners of your eyes); there’s another one where you massage the inside of your belly button, and then some pranayama (you should know what that is if you’ve read any other blogs) finishing with meditation. Sounds like a long list but I feel it’s REALLY helped today in particular….(I did some yesterday too – it’s called regulating the nervous system as we survivors of trauma have a dysregulated nervous system). Oh, and I’ve had a cold shower this morning. It all helps I methinks. Unfortunately I broke the promise to myself and I got up late (again), 8.45m, but it wasn’t an ‘I-feel-depressed-so-I’m-not-getting-up’ type lie in; I just felt I needed the mental rest after a few mentally tough days and spiralling to the bottom of wherever…and I felt refreshed as a result. The sad sack me from two days ago seems to have transformed (thank goodness). I think when you’re healing, you go through these waves, it’s got be expected. Also I might have run out of the resilience tank as I’ve been confronting a lot of people lately. Perhaps it was too much too soon and I need to temper the amount of resilience-needed activity
Anyway, I waffle but the waffle is good. I think I mentioned previously dusting off some books from my lovely oak bookcase, all to do with healing the inner child. I’ve had these three books since 2018!! (that was the year following my first breakdown). As usual I was all willing to do the work and the work never happened. So they sat pretty tucked away at the end of my bookcase for 6 years UNTIL a few days ago!! What the actual fuck? I’m trying to recall why inner child healing dropped into my consciousness. Was it because I started reading The Body Keeps the Score? No, I don’t want to admit but it was something I saw on Instacrap (Instagram to the rest of the world). It’s my old cake business account which I only reactivated because someone wanted to see the wonderful cake art I used to do and all the pics are on there. By the way I am NOT on ANY social shit – I don’t do Fakebook, Twatter or any Plip Plop or any other time sucking online vortex that makes you feel temporarily popular like you have a life (but realise how disconnected you really are). I came off everything in 2020.
So reinstating Instacrap was a bit daunting as I DID NOT want to be riddled with thumb-scroll disease. Unfortunately the thumb disease did get a hold over me but serendipitously, I came across a post or an ‘are you fucked up mentally’ quiz that led me to reach for the inner child books on myself (ok, ok so Instacrap served a purpose). That’s what consciousness does – leads you down a path you wouldn’t ordinarily go down. Social media was it for me.
It was a real lightbulb moment reaching for those books and I wondered why I have left it so long to do this work which I know is going to pivotal for me. Perhaps I thought that I would just heal, like a physical wound heals, that it will just ‘happen’ miraculously. Why is it that our inner and spiritual healing doesn’t work the same and we have to work at it rather than it healing by itself? Anyway it was in one of those moments when I saw the post on Insta that having survived and living with childhood trauma, then I must have a wounded inner child. Hmmmmm…..???
So I’ve started reading the first book called Homecoming – Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child. I recognise ALL the signs of living a co-dependent life that the author describes as a result of a dysfunctional family and experiencing trauma. I’m just so, so glad that JKR triggered me back in February. If she hadn’t have triggered me by dumping me as a friend, leading me to feel all the feelings of the abandoned child (which is actually what is happening when you get triggered), then I wouldn’t be on this journey. I feel awkwardly thankful to her, not resentment like I usually feel. Of course I’ll keep you posted and chronicle on here how I’m getting along with the inner child work…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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