It’s nearly 7 months (6 months and 3 ish weeks to be precise) since I gathered the emotional and mental strength to leave my narcissist boyfriend. I’ll call him full-on narc. Full-on narc was the second narc I attracted between 2020 and 2022. I do believe we attract people energetically and being a trauma survivor, we often have tea-bag like perforated energetic boundaries where more controlling, self-centred energies can creep in. Well in my case certainly, as all I crave is a sense of stability and safety in relationships and perhaps because of having an insecure attachment as a small child, I can be needy (but I also put that down to lack of family ; I have zero family apart from my mum). Therefore friendships by default become my surrogate family. And that brings up another aspect to my trauma. Abandonment.
I’ve never attracted narcs like this before in my 30’s; perhaps I did but didn’t stick around long enough when I sniffed out even an whiff of dysfunctional behaviour. Hence between 2010 and 2014 I didn’t last more than 5 months in a relationship. I was in a stable earning position and career at that point so had a more secure feeling within myself.
The first narc was a bread-crumb older narc who I (unfortunately) unwittingly, fell for (wholeheartedly) around September/October 2020. I really do not know how, but I opened my heart to bread-crumb narc like I have NEVER opened my heart in my life. Ever. In my vulnerability and naivety I saw what I wanted to see: he seemed to give off an air of confidence; he was strong and practical and seemed so caring (at first); course he was looking for a wifey, why wouldn’t he be? He said all the right things (at first) and there was a spark when we made out…of course this is so right! (Wrong) And in my naivety, fell for who I THOUGHT he was, without putting him to the litmus test first. I’ve always been like that with relationships, on my fast survival-mode speed setting. I’d get too close too quickly with men, looking for safety and security, not putting them to the how-does-he-fair-on-my-boyfriend-barometer of stormy, rain, change, fair and very nice. So, here I am, completely opened up to love with bread-crumb narc only to discover he would use me when he felt like it. He threw me breadcrumbs and I scoffed them so quickly wondering when the next batch of breadcrumbs would come, getting all does-he-feel-the-same-way confused. My oh my, I held out for bread-crumb narc for 12 months, thinking he’d ‘see the light’ how good we are together and how I felt for him only to be let down time and time again, including a verbally abusive text (for making him a birthday cake that he never collected). I was too blind to see the signs early on.
Anyway, onto full-on narc who I (far too quickly once again) got involved with just 6 months later. I hadn’t healed from bread-crumb narc either. Perhaps I was a little bit rebound-y? Anyway this one was a bit different. Of course I didn’t detect the narci-ness at first as I was being love-bombed. Within two weeks he booked a weekend away and planned a bouquet to be delivered upon my return home. He took me out, lavished expensive gifts on me very early on, and he sent me three big bouquets of flowers within the first 3 weeks. That made a ruddy change and liked the attention. Although I did detect an episode of far-from- stable behaviour a few weeks into the new affair when I told him that my mother can get a bit passive aggressive with me when I meet someone new. He had a huge wobble on a text message, but I put that down to his bad childhood (he’d confided in me on that first weekend away about his traumatic childhood and how his parents never seemed to care about him. I don’t know how true it is).
About 6 weeks into the new affair, the jekyll and hyde behaviour began as well as the phone calls every day (several time per day) which at first felt really sweet, he’s sooooo into me, but then became down right stifling. I think I’ll write a longer separate piece about all his antics. But it’s as though another demonic energy would literally take over him (I now know that is the real him) and he would literally change: the sweet, funny, sociable, accessible, approachable, open-minded, seemingly loving and caring side to him would evaporate and an ugly, accusatory, argumentative, angry, unempathetic, hateful character would appear, who would vilify me with the most disparaging of things. If I said or did something he didn’t agree with, he would flip out quite aggressively and accuse me of things. In fact, he would amplify the tiniest things that (in his mind) I did wrong and escalate them into a huge and monumental fuck-up, making me feel like a naughty small child. Things like accidentally ordering a pizza (that was actually being given out free at a bar in Majorca). Or opening curtains in the restaurant on a car ferry that was going to Italy (for which he verbally chastised me for in front of all the waiting staff, reducing me to tears). Those two spring to mind.
Why did I stay with him for 18 months? It’s called a trauma bond isn’t it? Because when he was nice, he was really nice. Weekends away. Meals out. Trips abroad. Buying me gifts. In fact we travelled a lot, more than I have in my life to be honest and it really appealed to my adventurous side. Material I know but we did have some good times and I appreciated those. In the back of my mind I knew he could be nice. So maybe the chaotic nastiness is a blip and he’ll change. I was holding out for change, a spell of sunny weather where there were no storms. Plus I had ended up working for him, so I trapped myself financially. Another story for another time. But when he was normal, he was great to be around. It was a constant chaotic emotional rollercoaster of Mr Nice Guy to Mr Monster.
The final punch in the stomach was around the time of my birthday. He planned a fantastic secret birthday treat for me last December. It was perfect. He’s planned tickets to a West End show that he surprised me with when we got to London, and then a stay at a luxury 5 star hotel. It was perfect and I felt so valued and loved, up on that pedestal. The feeling didn’t last (yes you saw it coming). Literally 48 hours later, he was abroad with work accusing me that I have no interest in him and his life (because I had talked too much about myself lately) and apparently hadn’t asked him about his life. He had deliberately withheld telling me things that had happened (which would come out in the course of a normal conversation) to prove to himself that I don’t care about him. That was the final straw for me. To experience the polarity of an all time high of the relationship to free-falling out of the sky and landing with an almighty thud was too much to take. Three weeks later I ended it for good (there were about 5 break ups within 18 months). This was the final goodbye.
So why do I miss him? I miss the nice him, the normal him, minus the narc. I look at old photos and videos of us away to all the different places we visited and him being normal, and I feel forlorn. I miss his funny side and his sense of humour. And I was attracted to him physically. Part of me wishes things could have been different and whether he could have changed. But I can see the blankness and deadness in his eyes on those photos. The light is on but no one is home. Really, deep down, I know the answer. I gave him chance after chance after chance to change. But the same old jekyll and hyde behaviour appeared and it really is a vicious cycle.
Perhaps many of us who are trauma survivors attract narcissistic relationships. Maybe it’s the norm to help us look inside and heal ourselves. I wonder if that happens quite often? I had narcissists in my family although I know since finishing with full-on narc (my aunts are narcs and my grandad was a narc). So I come from a line of narcissists. Maybe I’m the one that needs to heal the ancestral trauma too…? Big burden if that’s the case…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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