I had a brain dump on Whatsapp. Yes I message myself when a thought comes to me. It’s quite good you should try it some time. Anyway here’s my literal, unedited Whatsapp message brain dump:
This is what it has felt like and feels like living in a traumatised CPTSD body:
Scattered, unfocused, inability to stick at anything; disproportionately angry at small things; chaotic unbalanced decision making; impulsive; confused; can’t regulate when stressed and behave child-like, want to have a tantrum, throw things; mentally grapple at things when trying to make decisions, undisciplined, lack of concentration, ADHD attention span of a flea, obsessive, can be compulsive; accident prone; judgemental; have imaginary arguments in my head; get anxious about possible negative “What if” outcomes of minor day to day things; can feel socially awkward and find it difficult to mix although I really want connection and friends; feel like the odd one out; feel like I don’t fit in; have intrusive offensive thoughts; difficulty goal setting or thinking about the future; don’t know what I really want; want minimal stress in most situations; need to fight all the time to justify not being walked over; clingy with friendships; poor boundaries; hyper-sensitive and can’t take a “joke” if it’s aimed at me; feel like I’m being attacked by things that people say even mildly; fingers clenched toes curled; cold hands and cold feet; poor circulation; body very tight and not very flexible; tight pelvis; digestive issues; I don’t think this list is exhaustive….
That’s the brain dump.
Over the last decade since I started dismantling, (the catalyst to this dismantling was being pushed out of a successful career that filled the gaping abyss in my life) I realised that the abyss was filled with unhealed wounds which I was free-falling into, and, as a result, I’ve had a breakdown in 2017 and a few mini ones in between since 2020. In fact I had a mini breakdown last year following leaving The Narc who I endured for 18 months and JKR (the cunt of a woman who kicked me when I was down and cut me off when I was at my most vulnerable). I haven’t been able to fully gather myself up and put myself back together properly since the big breakdown of 2017, and I put that down to the fact that the wounded inner child wasn’t seen, heard, validated or given a chance to heal. So here I am now doing what was needed a decade ago. I just got trapped in too much “doing” following being pushed out of that career; I tried to forge forward and strive onwards and upwards and show the world what an amazing come-back queen I was, rather than retreating into a still place of healing.
If you’re living in a traumatised CPTSD body you can go off track and make the wrong decisions like I have, especially if there was no one around to guide you, and growing up in conditions that were akin to modern day poverty in a western world brought with it shame that compounded the trauma-wound. But I’m not going to blame myself – it wasn’t my fault I experienced that trauma and I’ve never calmed down for long enough or allowed myself to just settle into being me for long enough to soothe the internal wound. When your nervous system is calm and you’re building a life vs when your system is damaged and you’re building a life are two complete ends of two very different spectrums. I still often get triggered when I slip into comparison hangover looking at other people’s lives and what they might have gone through and “look where there are now” scenarios – but how can I compare myself with others? We are all different and get through trauma and heal in our own ways. There is no one size fits all when it comes to healing. We are unique as well as similar. Similar in experience but unique in DNA and I believe that it’s your DNA that determines how well you heal from your trauma. The trauma-wound led me to desperately look for answers in the physical outside world, to prove the perpetrators of my suffering wrong (that was my fuel for a long time), but the desperation was laced with bitterness and bitterness inside = bitterness outside. To make things worse I didnt know how to dream and I still don’t. I didn’t know what I truly wanted. And I still don’t truly know. So I got pulled along by the current of life itself. And I still get pulled along.
Childhood trauma and CPTSD is an internal injury that needs healing. It needs to be seen, witnessed, understood, nursed and treated with kindness, patience and tenderness, like with any wound. Any additonal stress or trauma on top of an already traumatised system is only going to make it worse. You wouldn’t keep bashing a broken leg whilst it’s healing would you? No wonder I had a breakdown I had too many years of bashing the internal wound rather than healing with patience and loving kindness. Energetically, living in a traumatised body, unless you get the right support, you’re connecting with what you are and hence it shows up in your life – chaos, loneliness, confused, rage, abandonment, victimisation, shame…it’ll play out in some way because life is reflection of what you are from within. And yes my life has played out in those ways up until now and I keep finding myself in chaotic situations and fighting. But I don’t want to fight anymore. The inner is reflecting on the outer. I was on the wrong path entirely for much of my life, even during the last decade, so it led to situations that reflected the internal space.
But I guess I am on the road to healing, as bumpy, meandering and hilly as it is. I’m learning there’s different parts to me, and that I may have been the sum of those wounded parts but I needn’t be. They just need the tenderness and the loving kindness to be accepted and then melt and merge into the real me, the unwounded me, the whole, intact, undisturbed ‘me’ that was always there within me from the day I was born…the me that will one day be able to resurrect fully, untainted and glorious…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
Leave a Reply