As a survivor of childhood trauma, thriving is a thing that I’m literally having to learn. And that is in all areas of my life from play to work to relationships. Especially with relationships. I haven’t had the discerning ability to know what’s good for me or not, and how to ‘choose’ male relationships rather than getting too close too quickly (that’s goes for female friendships as well, no I’m not bisexual for the record), jumping into bed with guys too quickly because I’m on survival warp speed mode, don’t know how to be discerning and then end up in entirely the wrong relationships (which always end badly). I’ve rushed into too many things. Being on a warp speed setting is a symptom of living in a traumatised body that hasn’t healed.
Thriving and being discerning is not something that comes naturally to me. It’s weird but it takes a certain type of courage, a mental slowing-down process and almost a going-against-the-grain type feeling to make decisions that (when I allow myself to) opens up to life and living (rather than just existing). It’s a mental effort to take the action to live life for me and not my survival needs; staying put has been far easier in my survival mode state. Taking the first thing that comes along (especially regards men and boyfriends) has been far easier than having a deliberate, conscious choosy way about me, with boundaries and standards. Like I’ve said before, as a trauma survivor, my boundaries are punctured and leaky, like a tea bog, seeping out as well as letting things seep in. As my dear social butterfly friend put it to me a few days ago, those of us with an intricate and troubled history won’t find thriving a natural process. But when I do make the decisions to thrive, it’s like dislodging a wedged boulder that slowly begins to roll down a hill and gain momentum; as it does, I learn to flow with a new momentum, shifting my energy which I think is part of the secret to continue opening up to life. You may agree with this but it’s far easier when someone else decides your thriving for you: when I’m swept away by another’s decision-making capacity and spontaneity to say “lets go and play”, whatever that play may be, and lead the way for me, giving me the impetus that I need for my inner child to play without making any decisions, like a mother bird pushing her baby bird out of the nest and say “go spread your wings and fly”. That’s why I stayed with the full on narc for 18 months (if you’ve read any of my other posts about full-on narc you’ll know a bit of the story). He did have his plus points and he was particularly good at spontaneous decision-making and living a rather edgy life which appealed to my suppressed, adventurous inner child. Therefore it was easy to allow myself to get gobbled up by his pervasive, hyper-fast decision-making ability and insatiable appetite for the next adventure. It was easier not to make the decisions. Left to my own devices, it becomes a dull and lack-lustre place again and the thriving is left to gather dust on the may-be-later shelf.
However the tide is turning on this healing journey of mine….
It’s been 5 days since I last wrote a post (and I like to post much more often than that). That’s because I’ve been learning to thrive this week. Yes, it’s true. Impromptu and spontaneous decision making (which is what’s happened this week), isn’t the type of thing I do easily but I have. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know that I tried 3 times to market my house over the last 4 weeks, only to back out at the last minute when it was contract signing time. Long story but I don’t have a back up plan which is not a good way to move forward and sell your house plus I haven’t been in a good mental head space. Anyway only a week or so ago, my dear social butterfly friend said that I need to give the house thing a rest and get away for a little while. Visit greener places where I might want to live and have a big, fat mental fart to clear some space in the big, grey noodle and then think about selling the house. So I actually took her advice (and I am very bad at taking advice about the things that are good for me!) Chatting to a friend last Friday on Whatsapp , who lives on the beautiful south coast, it just serendipitously cropped up in conversation that I should come down and visit. So there you have it. Life threw me the getaway on a plate with trimmings! Plus, I have a few other acquaintances down south so I thought I’d try and catch up with all of them on a type of mini road trip with some time in between to myself. On Saturday morning I was eagerly looking at places to stay and making enquiries. It was a totally different type of Saturday morning, far from the usual of going-through-the-motions-making-excuses-and-not-doing-anything-for-myself. But the energy of that morning felt different and I felt entirely different; I had unwittingly shifted into a totally different energy space. It felt amazing looking at possible places to stay (which I was actually going to book not just window shopping) and luckily got a discount at the places I chose as I’m a lone traveller! Anyway my mum had popped over and I was feeling so much on a roll, like that loose boulder, I suggested that it would be nice to go away together (that was a boulder lodging moment I describe earlier – when you make one positive decision it leads onto another). She liked the idea and said she’d really like to go to Skanda Vale, a world renowned ashram in Wales. We looked at the dates and both agreed on mid-week, literally within the following few days. Their accommodation facility had availability we needed, the stars felt like they were aligned and just like that, we made the decision on Saturday to go to the ashram on the Tuesday. To make a spontaneous, impromptu decision like that which I don’t do that often was just the ticket we both needed. It shifted both of our energies in an instant. Mine especially. I felt an aliveness and something ignite within me.
And the effect has lasted. Of course I’ve come back much more rested and peaceful after a two day stay at an ashram (despite the crack of dawn starts) although I’m still swearing too much especially at idiot drivers on the road. Set in the middle of Carmarthenshire some of the ashram is pretty hilly and built into a slate mountain (which has now got me itching to climb a mountain which I’m planning as we speak!). But, the boulder-dislodging moment has really gained momentum for me and I have the itch to do more things for me, to what I’m drawn and guided to do (rather than over-thinking and talking myself out of it). I am off to the south coast next week friend-visiting and having even more of a mental fart….the ashram was a start but I’m not saying that I left my smelly mental farts there ha ha….!
One small decision makes so much difference. It’s the ripple effect. Perhaps this is all the part of the childhood healing journey that is not well scripted, about just doing things that you’re drawn to do. Taking the time for yourself to do things for you, however small, total indulgence in the self in a non-hedonistic or self-destructive way. To explore your life and yourself is a gift and an act of self-love, and of course love is a healing tonic whether that’s your own inner love or someone else’s that gives you a container in which to heal. It brings about a renewed feeling of aliveness. You see, living with a wounded inner child that needs healing, I haven’t known know who I truly am; by giving myself the permission to explore the things I’m drawn to it is opening up new possibilities that I haven’t yet thought of. Living in survival mode, I’ve always put myself last. Those who are fortunate when they are children to have parents who create structure and a container in which to explore yourself (such as outdoor pursuits, sports or dancing classes) – whatever it is that you liked to do as child, tend to have a strong sense of what they want and are more discerning and deliberate about their lives. Such as observing my friend’s three beautiful daughters yesterday, all under 10 years old. They are being home schooled by two conscious parents and they all display their individual quirks: one is very outdoorsy who loves rock climbing; another is very artistic and loves animals; and the smallest of all of them, well, she speaks her own language of gobeldygook that only she understands.
Anyway, this post has been by far the most positive of them all so far. I haven’t healed all the inner child wounds yet, not by a long stretch. But I’m getting there and learning to thrive is a start, prising me slowly out of the arms of survival…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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