So I couldn’t write yesterday feeling as flat as pancake and completely deflated after getting really stressed out trying to catch my cat to get him in. I think he’s a little unwell (he’s eating, but not like he normally does) and was being a total PITA (pain in the ass) trying to get him home on Sunday and yesterday. In fact, he just wouldn’t come in on Sunday and then I saw him eat some rank looking food that my uncouth next door ‘person/thing’ (they don’t fit the definition of a neighbour) left outside even though they don’t have pets. I don’t know how long that shit looking food was there for and this might have contributed to my puss feeling unwell. I went against my instinct and let him out yesterday and then it was a song and dance (and a completely worry-fuelled afternoon) trying to get him in. It was a test of my new found resilience which didn’t last long when was reduced to a mental wreck worrying and comfort eating about my cat and couldn’t think of or concentrate on anything else. So there, that’s why I was a blundering mess yesterday.
Anyway, I’m noticing my behaviour and ways quite a lot at the moment. I have to say when I went out for a walk yesterday morning, I wasn’t such a sad sack and resting bitch face as I normally am and invited morning salutations with other walkers. I was feeling a little more happier from within then I normally do (of course this was before the kitty mind games afternoon). I always feel so defensive most of the time and keep myself insular within myself – I’m an introverted extrovert where I’m quite happy not speaking to anyone but equally can morph into a pseudo social butterfly if I need to. Perhaps that is a mask and really I’m just an introvert. I don’t know. I’m not shy but I have this ‘thing’ where I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t like it though and I don’t really feel that is me. I feel it’s a protective defense mechanism of some sort. I find it difficult making conversation with strangers. It’s weird
I’ve also noticed I clench my fists a lot and being a bit more in tune with my body right now with the somatic work I’m doing, when I realise I’m doing it, I relax my hands. If the body is constricted then I’m subconsciously preparing for attack so perhaps that’s a sign of the body in fight or flight. Trauma does make the body and muscles tight so I’m trying to loosen up my body and regain flexibility with yoga is super important. It was a chiropractor earlier this year who told me how tight my body is. But I get so flustered when I can’t fit everything in – walks, yoga, strength training – I want to do all of these things and then cause myself anxiety that I can’t fit it all in. Plus I want to do more art, crafts and creative things like writing (but don’t allow myself as it’s not productive). And on top of that, I’m trying think of how to make money and a business to start, and I just grab at opportunities rather than being more deliberate and discerning. Even writing this down is causing shallow breath and anxiety.
I just can’t slow down and always in a rush. That’s the story of my life. I’ve always been impatient and in a rush with everything I do, like I need to get somewhere, where exactly I don’t know. I think at 100mph, I drive fast and need to get things done fast. In fact the narc I was in a relationship with was the same (and he’d claimed that his childhood was bad). He was a 100mph type as well. Actually no, he made me look like the tortoise with the way he lived life. But he, like me, was scattered with his life. No real order or structure. The inner tumultuous sea of uncalm reflected on the outside. I am scattered with my thinking and can be what looks like ADHD at times when I can flit from one thing to the next. I have so many unfinished books, unfinished projects, gun-na-do art projects that I can’t seem to get started because I don’t feel it’s productive time, because I ‘m not making money and I need to make money. Fucking hell. I’m getting shizzed up just writing this.
There’s no inner peace. Life has been chaotic for a long time in fact, looking back. It’s never been plain sailing or a period of plain sailing. I’ve never been able to slow down completely. Although I am trying to at the moment, with getting therapy (I’m seeing another hypnotherapist tomorrow) However I still have this anxious stirring feeling in my stomach because I don’t feel safe and secure, I have no structure, I just want a business that I can do that makes me happy and that I’ll want to do for a long time, I want genuine, authentic friends who value me as much as I value them and just some calm. I guess the outer calm won’t come until I’ve addressed the inner calm and stability.
It’s early days yet with the healing process. Still lots of learning, unlearning, processing….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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