I was really worried after I split from The Narc in Dec 2023 that I wouldn’t know how to spot another one, and that another would surreptitiously infiltrate itself into my life again to wreak havoc. Well I’m quite pleased with myself. My narc-dar (that’s a narc radar) seems to be working; I’ve spotted and managed to weed one out of my life only just a few weeks ago. She’s one of these ‘fair weather friends’ – well I can’t really call her a friend – someone on the fringes of my life floating around as an acquaintance for whom the relationship is purely a mutually gap filling one (no not that sort of gap get your mind out of the gutter). These types of pseudo-friendships ARE the using type, gap-filling type of association, let’s face facts. Anyway, we’ll call her Miss Misery Chops; she’s been an arms-length acquaintance for a number of years (thankfully), you know one of those ‘people-that-you-happen-to-know-but-don’t- really-know’. I’ve tried to like her but something’s always been amiss about her. Anyway, my senses must be getting sharp as I sniffed her out lately. Let me tell you what happened as it’s quite interesting how I went against my instinct the first time I saw a red flag with her being waved furiously in my face (why do we second guess ourselves with fruit loop narcissists)?
I’d recently gotten in touch with Misery Chops as I discovered through a mutual friend that she’d started open water swimming and was curious where she goes; it’s something I’d wanted to try for some time but didn’t feel like going alone.
That day I met her for that first swim, I recall sensing her aura was prickly (which I disregarded) but I couldn’t help but notice her eyebrows which stood out feet away from when I got out of the car. Why do women have to wear the pencil down to the nub on their eyebrows? You can tell it’s fake and it looks revolting. Anyway, that evening, back at her house following the swim, it’s then that her narci-ness had begun to unravel. She asked me if I’d ‘help’ her cook up some food for us. I recall she’d asked me a few months back if I’d show her how to cook a decent curry next time I saw her. So when she asked if I would rustle something up with a packet of marinated tofu she had in the fridge, I happily and willingly obliged. Why wouldn’t you if you’re a competent cook? But as it turned out I had unwittingly morphed into the solo in-house chef a la Misery Chops (raise an eyebrow). I was easy on the chilli (yes I asked her first!) and if I do say so myself, I single handedly rustled up a very decent post swim meal even though I was tired and still hadn’t thawed out from the cold, cold water. She didn’t lift a finger and her attitude whilst I cooked was aloof and nonchalant. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hanker after compliments, but when someone at your house cooks up some food, you’d say something, a pleasantry, a thank you, just something nice. All I sensed was an entitled attitude. As we sat down for a TV dinner minus the TV, I noticed she made no comment as she gobbled some of the curry up and then complained that it was too spicy! Having left quite a lot on her plate she told me she’d have it the next day – I knew she was lying through her teeth and was probably going to chuck it as soon as I was gone. That was the first red flag – the entitled lack of appreciation which, in my folly, I passed off as tiredness and coldness from our swim, to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Rule number 1 – if you think someone is treating you badly THEY ARE. Believe them the first time. If you spot a red flag, IT IS a red flag. Don’t kid yourself it’s anything else.
Anyway, me in my empath be-my-friend manner, I gave her another chance…and yes I will bore you with the minutiae of detail -it all adds up to the complete picture. As the nights are drawing out and the evenings are getting brighter I thought “wouldn’t it be nice to have some people over” (note I say people I don;t have many friends) and host a small dinner party, sun shining, sitting outside on the patio. As well as inviting the closest friend I have (incidentally a mutual friend of mine and Misery Chops), I stupidly extended an invite to Misery Chops too. Surprisingly she suggested why not have the dinner at her place (which she had only moved into about 5 months prior) and if I do the cookin, she’ll supply the ingredients and ‘help’ to cook. So I agreed. Glutton for punishment?
Rule number 2: if someone treats you badly the first time do not go back for a second helping! It will not be any different.
Guess what? (wait 10 seconds) Yes. You guessed correctly- I was the in-house chef (again!). Whilst we waited for the other two guests I prepped dessert and cooked the main course from scratch whilst Misery Chops didn’t lift a finger only for her to moan about the cherry tomatoes, that if she’d have known I was going to cook them (and not put them in a salad) then she would have bought the cheaper ones. There was absolute zero interest from her as she shuffled about looking busy talking about herself and only interested in herself. And then, in true narc fashion, she steered the conversation around to bitching about and criticising one of the other guests (the good mutual friend of mine I mentioned previously) on how she doesn’t like garlic so might moan about the food and how she used too much electricity when she dog-sat for Misery Chops a few weekends back. It’s one of those classic situations when someone is desperately *trying* their best to make you join in and get involved in their bitching & gossip brigade mission. She’s criticised this particular friend before and when the guests arrived, including the friend she was bitching about, the atmosphere for me felt viscous.
Rule number 3 – trust your instincts. Always criticising others for no reason = BIG RED FLAG.
As we sat down to tuck in to the main course, I felt like I was having a premonition; I’d been here before: as the other two guests delighted on how delicious the food tasted (which it did it’s one of my signature dishes), with thank yous to the chef, yours truly, Misery Chops was not amused and sat there head down whilst she scoffed the food. The atmosphere felt awkward. Although she seemed to inhale the food she was quiet as a dormouse. Not even a squeak of appreciation until I prompted and asked her if she liked the food and even then it was a half-hearted mumble. The same happened when I served up the chocolate fondant for dessert: there were ooo-ing and mmm-ing utterances of delight from the other two as they enjoyed mouthfuls of gooey, oosey chocolatey-ness swathed with cream and sprinked with raspberries, but, yes, no prizes for guessing that there was fuck all sound from Misery Chops who scoffed the lot without a word of gratitude. It DID NOT go unnoticed and at this point I could not only hear the alarm bells donging in my head but a million red flags waved in my face simultaneously! My narc-dar was on full system red alert.
Rule number 4 – never shows any appreciation for what you do? Can’t pay you a compliment? Never get any gratitude or praise. You’re in the company of a narc.
To top the evening off, and to add insult to injury, she left my dirty dishes to take home with me as she put them to one whilst she washed some of her own dishes (I’d brought over some ramekins for the fondants and a few other bits of cookware). It was an unspoken gesture of contempt and disdain, that’s how it felt. Perhaps even jealousy. An absolute fucking cheek! By now I’d switched off completely and just wanted to get out of there like a bat out of hell. I can’t remember what she was waffling on about – herself most likely; a narcissist’s favourite subject is me, myself and I. This time the signs were glaringly obvious, screaming at me in the face: I was the unappreciated chef, sous chef and commis chef at her house, and treated with utter disdain; I knew by the end of the evening that I have a covert narcissist in my midst! I took my stuff and ushered myself fairly swiftly out her front door perfectly timed when one of the guests said she was leaving too. It’s quite good to know that the narc barometer installed in my head is working: it moves around from Covert Narc to Malignant Narc with degrees in in between.
Rule 5 – feels like they’re jealous? Treating you with contempt for nothing? Feels like you’re interacting with a child or being passive aggressive towards you? That’s cuz they are an adult child. Welcome to the land of the Narcissist!
So there you have it! I’ve actually proved myself wrong, identified a narc and weeded her promptly out of my life. I actually confronted Misery Chops the next day about her behaviour towards me (no need for passive aggression). I couldn’t contain myself. Very glad I didn’t hold my breath for an ‘I’m-taking-accountability-for-my-actions-sorry-you-felt-unhappy’ adult response from her. As I quietly predicted her response fell into the intransigent child telling lies/victim/blame/tantrum category….and how shocked and bemused she was from my message….
Once you’ve been subjected to emotional narcissistic abuse, you can actually spot the signs quite quickly:
- total disengagement and lack of interest in your life when you try and talk about yourself.
- it’s ALL about them, them and them.
- it’s never their fault.
- no compliments or praise (when you do anything good or nice).
- criticising others (who do nice things for them)
- always angry.
- have a victim mentality.
- they tell stupid lies that can easily be verified as lies.
- bitchy remarks for no reason or pointing out minor faults (in you or others).
- discourteous and you feel under-valued and unappreciated (when you’ve done something nice for them).
- not taking any accountability or responsibility when you confront them about their actions/upsetting behaviour – there’s a great word for it. It’s intransigent.
- they impose what they want on you without your permission.
- they behave like children trapped in an adult body (because that’s what they actually are).
- they like people who look up to and worship them in some way.
- material things make them feel very, very important.
Of course this list isn’t exhaustive but the one I’ve weeded out is a covert narc displaying all of the above and it’s not very obvious at first but there are red flags (which I ignored!!) But I’d sensed something was off. You always do.
Anyway, perhaps this is a milestone on my healing journey…and maybe I’ll become I’ll hone my narc-dar and become narc repellent soon…perhaps they won’t even enter into my aura…???
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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