Until last week, I’d had a five week hiatus from from therapy – or should I say counselling (same difference really). Quite a gap considering I started off with weekly sessions and in some instances, I recall having two sessions in one week when my emotions were boiling over, feeling seriously messed up and dysregulated. But last week’s session feels like the last one in a while – not intended that way at all it’s come to a natural end like many things do, although I honestly thought that I may be in therapy for much longer. I genuinely feel much more different than I previously did. Something has shifted within me recently and I feel a congruence that wasn’t present before. Not the fake holding it together type of difference, masked with premature resilience and shrouded with puke-worthy false positivity (whilst I crumbled underneath – I have been there before), but a very tangible feeling of inner ‘connection’ and ‘togetherness’, an internal cohesion that I’ve not felt before. I’m wondereing if these are the signs of healing – well, what else can it be? So perhaps it’s true: maybe I am finally healing my childhood trauma?
I must admit my journey into counselling and therapy has not been plain sailing by any stretch of the imagination and it’s something I’ve avoided for decades, thinking that ‘IT’ would go away by itself, coupled with a deep lack of trust in others (which I’m still working on) and compensated with an anxious avoidant ‘I-can-manage-on-my-own’ coping mechanism. But no one is an island. And I didn’t realise the wound would simply metasize. I started a brief stint of counselling in 2017 with a careless canceller (yes you heard me right and guessed correctly). Seriously, her behaviour was reprehensible by anyone’s standards. I fail to recall the number of times she cancelled on me at the last minute, on the day, You know, the classic family and illness-related excuses — easily No. 1 and No. 2 on the ubiquitous Excuse-O-Meter. Being unceremoniously dropped like a hot potato by a counsellor of all people not only triggered a deep wound of worthlessness but left me feeling bereft of the support that I desperately needed at the time! Perhaps this was a re-enactment of abandonment issues and female betrayal, the lack of value I had for myself echoed in the way she treated me. After that unsuccessful stint with Careless Canceller, and proving my mistrusting, anxious avoidant part right that “I can cope”, “I’ll fix myself” and “I’ll make it on my own”, (remember the thinker thinks and the prover proves) I drew a steadfast line, not in the sand but in wet concrete and vowed not to bother again with ‘having therapy’ for any ‘issues’.
Of course, if you’ve read my very early posts, I got my back-side kicked into touch by a huge, emotionally painful trigger in February 2024 that left me reeling for months and spiralled me into a mini breakdown and depression; ironically it was the fortuitous realisation and the catalyst that there were gaping wounds to heal and that I desperately needed some help. I couldn’t carry on like this. The abandonment wound was raw and I’ve spilled my heart out on my early posts rambling on the page trying to make sense of it all, posts like Where do I start?, covert gaslighting (and do I need therapy?) and silent treatment.
So I started looking in earnest for the right help but the thing is: where the hell do you start? There’s literally an ocean of ‘trauma informed’ counsellors, therapists and psychotherapists out there. I had to tune into my gut feeling of what felt right from reading bios and visiting websites but I didn’t always get it right – I wasn’t exactly in the right emotional state feeling fragile, mentally weak, alone and vulnerable. You lose touch with reality and instinct when you feel that low. You just want someoen to scoop you up, make decisions for you and take care of you. It’s a dangerous state to be as that’s when discernment wanes, barriers are weak and you can just cling to the first person that comes along, get taken advantage of, ripped off and make decisions detrimental to your wellbeing.
Spring & Summer of 2024 was hit and miss with various therapists: a stint with an EMDR therapist (who was overpriced, talked more than me and no it didn’t work), another ‘canceller‘ (because I genuinely forgot to pay) – not even a gentle reminder from her; she just flicked me to the side like an annoying ant when I was already feeling fucked up and desperately needed the session (I’d already had one session with her but even from that I could feel she was nonchalant and aloof). And then I tried a hypnotherapist who was pleasant and helpful but it just didn’t gel for me. This wasn’t the first hypnotherapy I’d had to heal my childhood trauma: I’d had a session with an acquaintance of mine who was starting out with his modality of hypnotherapy last year; a well meaning chap but it was way too close for comfort. It is a well-known fact not to have therapy with people you know.
But, there’s absolutely no point in seeing a therapist for-the-sake-of. Rapport and connection is everything to me. If it feels wrong, it normally is. Feeling fed up, I let it go for several months and continued in my anxious avoidant way consuming whatever I could find online and in books about healing childhood trauma (and hoping for a magic fix by overloading myself with whatever I was reading). It was just when I’d purchased the Internal Family Systems (IFS) trio of books that, serendipitously, a thought popped into my head out of the blue. “What about equine therapy?” the thought whispered, something that had never occurred to me before. That was in November 2024, a hunch that I followed up on and here I am feeling so thankful that I did: I found an equine therapist who uses IFS (and yes, she uses her horses to hold space). As soon as I spoke to her over the phone before we first met, I instantly had the warm gut glow that she was right for me; I knew she genuinely wanted to listen and wanted to help, someone who doesn’t do what she does ‘just for the money’ (and believe me I’ve spoke to a few who charge exorbitant fees for this type of therapy and don’t give a fuck about you the client). The timing was perfect; she had an opening just coming up and I was able to start straight away. Some things are meant to be and that is life unfolding with pure perfection. Never ignore a hunch.
I didn’t expect her to magically ‘fix’ me; she didn’t come with a magic wand, although thinking about it, she is angelic, fairy-god-mother like with a soft and kind presence and energy to match; a sparkly white gown and some wings would suit her very well. Perhaps she was heaven sent to me? In all honesty, she has been a god send in my life, the conduit and the catalyst to help me start my long overdue healing process, which, may I add, is not an A to B linear journey but a big, messy, pencil scribble with no beginning and no end, just a transition of un-becoming. And it wasn’t about ‘just showing up’; it was about committing to the process, committing to myself and committing to my my inner child, who was, up until that point, screaming in the echo chamber of my psyche. I listened. I learned. I learned what my triggers meant. I learned it’s not me, but part of me that gets triggered. I’ve learned that the parts of myself that I used to label as bad, I now am learning to love and listen to with compassion. Because these are the wounded parts of me frozen in time that need love in order to heal. I began to understand what my wounded ‘parts’ are, who they are, how old they are, how alive they are and what they needed from me to finally be set free and melt into me. My wounded child needed to be seen, heard and witnessed, over and over again, until the pain was assuaged. The pain needs to be felt, rather than pushed aside with anger and sometimes vengeful thoughts of revenge. It’s true what they say: feeling is healing.
Seven months down the line, the magic healing dust she’s given me is a set of tools on how to self-regulate, how to validate and how to soothe and re-parent my inner child, tools I didn’t have 7 months ago. Acknowledging and validating the pain of my inner child for me has been the most important thing I could ever have done for her. It’s what my little girl frozen in time desperately needed to be released from her icy prison, with warm, loving life breathed back into her, to unfreeze her, for her to feel safe, to feel free again. She needed to be seen, felt and heard again, her pain and anguish validated and acknowledged. The memories needed a voice and as a writer, the simple act of expressing what needs to be expressed candidly, in all it’s ugly glory has been cathartic beyond measure.
And something has clearly shifted in me lately. I believe it’s a combination of things that are coming together for me now – therapy, writing these memoirs and chanting. I’ve been chanting regularly for around two months now – Buddhist chanting and OM chanting – it’s a daily practice, that and reciting mantras (indian song like hymns that are ususally in Sanskrit) Your own voice can be a great source of sound healing on the nervous system.
Here’s what’s changed in me….
In those 5 weeks of not having a therapy session, I didn’t feel the urge that I needed another session. Not in an arrogant, self assured, cocky way, but with a quiet inner knowing that I’ve somehow grown, come together at seams that were once ruptured and torn, with an inner bedrock that seems to have formed, offering me a certain strength, that I’m safe. There’s a connection that is growing within me; the relationship with myself has changed. It’s strange: there’s a belonging within me that I haven’t felt before. A stitching together. Maybe this is true self love and I am the beloved that I’ve been looking for? As in the words of Rumi “to find the beloved, you must become the beloved“.
And something has deepened further within me since returning from my solitary break three weeks ago – there is something magical about being alone in nature, no electricity, no wifi, no other humans, only a few animals and getting back to basics. I wonder what the animals were thinking or feeling when I was chanting at the top of the hill when I was away? Maybe they understand the sounds better than I do. Sound isn’t something to be understood, it’s to be experienced and imbibed.
Here’s what I’m doing differently: I’m listening to my body; I’m learning to say No when it doesn’t feel right for me. I’m not desperate for or craving connection like I used to; my instincts have deepened; I don’t feel the need to reply to messages immediately. In fact a very good friend of mine said “I’m loving your new energy!” on a text message only last week and we haven’t even spoken. You can feel people through the written word can’t you? The neediness seems to have dissipated; I love having friends but I’m putting myself first and I’m not so bothered if I don’t hear from anyone all day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no hermit, I want meaningful connection but I’m not craving it right now. It’s there if I want it. Plus I’m living more in the moment and actively thinking about what I want for me, what’s right for me and not trying to escape or getting lost in rootless thoughts of what’s happening around me. If I do, I pull it back to the now. The moment is where the magic is. I know when I’m in my head too much and I stroke to and talk to my anxiety like a fluffy pet. I’ll soothe it and tell it that there’s no danger, we don’t need to expect the worst and we’re safe right now. I felt the anxiety pop up a couple of days ago expecting the worst when I read an email. But I’m learning to calm myself down again and rather than put my system on red alert (the chronic anxiety part of me that I wrote about a few months ago) I shift back into the moment, tell my anxiety that we’re safe and let’s deal with anything IF it comes. In fact, I temper the emails I get which I know might err on the side of confrontatious and leave them in my inbox unread until I feel I want to reply. I’m putting me first. It’s me and my life that’s the most important thing right now. Me and my healing, what I want from my life and what the little girl wanted. No other external dick head deserves a piece of my time or energy. Not one bit. And I’m learning to remain emotionally detached to conserve my tank, not majoring over minors, not sweating the small stuff, not allowing theives to steal my precious energy as I’ve done in the recent past. It’s all a very conscious process.
When I first started this journey I wondered how I’d know if I’m healing, or was starting to heal or if I ever would heal. I think I said in a post last year it’s not like a scab that you can just pick off. How do you witness internal emotional wounds and the internal injury heal? Well I think I’m beginning to understand; I’m not healed yet, but I know I’m healing. You can’t measure a feeling you can only describe it. So I’ll leave you with the words of my fairy god mother therapist, from yesterday’s session which is my last for the time being (although I may have some check ins now and again):
“The main changes I saw today, or should I say felt, was a much calmer energy. This was noticed through your actions and speech. For example, in earlier sessions you felt a strong need to walk and move and your speech would become very ‘quick’. What I noticed today is you seemed much more settled and happy to stand still and be present. Previously, you would sometimes change the subject to focus on something the horses were doing rather than focusing on within.
I also noticed when you were discussing your triggers, you didn’t appear to move into ‘fight’ mode and simply accepted how that part of you felt and held space for it. It was lovely to see. You also reflected on what you were feeling instead of focusing on where to place blame outwardly.
You have come such a long way from our initial session and seeing your growth has been truly wonderful to see and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of“.
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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