I haven’t written for a few days and it feels like I should have, and feeling a bit bad as this is a commitment to myself. Although I’m not being unkind to myself these days. I have been baking and frosting cakes through the last few days so I’ve not been sitting around navel gazing….In fact, writing is my healer; it’s my panacea, a stream of consciousness that I need to offload that I can look back on as a gift that helped to heal my childhood trauma.
I’m still not getting up in the morning and although it bothers me, I don’t want to do anything about it. I lie there (yes navel gazing lol) when I’m awake and contemplate things: my dream that I’ve just had, my life, asking for guidance, wondering why my cat isn’t meowing his head off for food (he has a symbiotic relationship with me – he knows when I’m awake and will have symbiotic lie ins with me when I’m contemplating life and living). I really do want to get up early. This lie in contemplation started when I was ousted from my career 10 years ago. Well, I jumped before I was ousted. I’m not going to write about that here (although that added mahoosively to my first breakdown as it was one too much trauma I just couldn’t take). But during that first breakdown in 2017, (and the years prior to that) I would have lie in contemplations. They last quite a long time because I usually drift off again during my contemplation and before I know it, an hour has gone by. I then feel pissed off that I should have got up when it was earlier and that I’ve let myself down again, as I’ve not got time for workouts, yoga etc.. (and I want to lose 3.5 kilos, half a stone in old money).
Anyway, as usual I waffle and digress. I watched a video last night by Therapy in a Nutshell on PooTube. Haha. Well there is a lot of poo on there. But there are some good channels. In the video she was talking about Elizabeth Smart (I’d never heard of her actually that’s probably because I stay well away from mainstream ‘news’) and the book that she’s written about being kidnapped as a teen and held hostage as a ‘wife’ by her captor (presumably some religious fruit loop). After her release, I was surprised to learn that she didn’t have any therapy and self healed. Of course, this is what she says in the book. We don’t know if her publishers wanted her to write this and if it’s 100% true (that is my critical thinking brain kicking in as we weren’t there and can only take her word for it). Anyway it’s useful information for us healing from our childhood trauma. According to this video what she says she puts it down to are a few things, I can’t remember all of them but I can recall a few that stood out to me:
- Secure loving family (who didn’t blame her for the abuse) after she was found and released. So the love that surrounded her was healing. Also she said she felt secure when the guy was behind bars.
- Gratitude – she kept an attitude of gratitude whilst in captivity, for her loving family, maybe other things that she is grateful for
- God – her faith in a higher power and I believe that miracles do happen if you put your faith in something bigger than you
- Creativity – her horses and music helped her heal. For me it’s writing and when I get around to it, art.
Is it this simple? Perhaps it is for some and she was clearly securely attached to her loving family. It was only me and my mum when we were traumatised, but additionally she had her own history of a traumatic upbringing in a completely dysfunctional family (where my grandad hated all his daughters with a passion and wanted only boys), forced diaspora from her country of birth as well as forced teen arranged marriage to contend with, and then I came along with generational trauma gained within the womb and then the physical real trauma.
And here’s another thing: often the perpetrators of our trauma live seemingly happy lives. And if they do, where is the redress for us? How do we feel secure and set ourselves free from the pain and feelings of retribution when “they haven’t paid for what they did” and haven’t atoned for their sins? I certainly am feeling like this right now. I know one of my family members has had her comeuppance (from the hands of the other two). When I found out, I did feel compassion towards her, and then I shook the compassion off quickly like an animal shakes off stress thinking it serves her right. She shouldn’t have instigated the acrimony all those years ago. The feelings of seeking redress for those other two assailants ebb and flow like waves over me; I plan how I am going to legally confront the perpetrators of my childhood pain and how it fucked up my life and body for decades manifesting in a fucked up life. The anger is stirring up whilst I write this. No it’s not fair. How can I be graceful with gratitude when there’s years I cannot get back? Sure, we can’t look back and only forward. That is true. The only thing I can do is ask infinite spirit (that’s what I call her) for guidance and support. And of course settling down into my creativity like this. I do have things I can be grateful for and seeing the positive in things is not something trauma survivors can do easily especially when other traumas stack up on top of one another. Seeing the negative and trying to protect ourselves by seeing the negative is connected to survival mode.
Anyway, I’m going to try from now on not to seek retribution, maybe that’s a lesson I need to learn and really allow it to land. Also the gratitude – really feel grateful rather than feign it. It’s difficult when you feel like your life is empty. But I do talk to infinite spirit. There’s an amazing book that came back into my life earlier this year called The Complete Works of Florence Scovell Schinn which teaches you how to open up the god source within and allow our lives to be guided by something bigger. Lost control of your destiny and allow the higher powers to guide what happens….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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