I’m learning to dial down my survival speed setting from super fast to slow. That is the sign of a dysregulated nervous system. How many cold showers is it going o take to get regulated???
All my life I’ve simply floated along, going through the motions whilst I’m not all there. It’s been a flat, joyless existence to be quite frank. That is the nail on the head actually: I’ve been existing, not living. The manifestation of surviving and living with trauma is that you exist; you don’t truly live. You don’t thrive in your body because you’re not all there. Some call it dissociation and perhaps I was and still am. However I must admit, writing this blog feels like thriving. Is doing what makes you feel good for the hell of it thriving? It’s my happy place that flows very naturally like a waterfall, unencumbered, gracefully without having to try. The stream of consciousness just flows and pours out of me effortlessly; the words flow into my head like it’s being narrated from somewhere in real time as I put the words on the page. I rarely stop and think about what I’m going to write in fact. And I don’t write this for any other reason than that I had a feeling to start a blog and write this all down publicly, albeit anonymously. That’s probably why I can uninhibitedly write all of this down. But perhaps the words are flowing through me? I really don’t know where this flow comes form.
I digress. I do waffle don’t I? See, that’s what happens with a stream of consciousness you can’t stop it. Anyway, where was I…yes, the tracks of trauma and getting through your life on a high octane survival mode setting. Funny I tell people that all the time “I have one speed setting” thinking that it’s something to be proud about (can I have a badge please?). I realise now that it’s something that drastically needs healing. I actually don’t know what thriving means although I look at friends and other people who seem to have calmer, balanced, richer lives than I do: you get a feeling from people and they seem balanced, calm, have a good social circle, seem totally secure within themselves, seem more loving and compassionate, have more patience, have more gratitude, plan things to do and go places, have regular days out (I will usually say I’m going to do something and then talk myself out of it). That’s called procrastination isn’t it? But then perhaps I just want someone to do things with rather than doing things alone. As an only child, I’ve learned to do things alone but I don’t always want it that way. I don’t know why I get in my own way so much. I feel like I’m living with a stormy sea inside me. That’s the only way I can explain it. That or a volcano that needs to erupt. It’s not a nice feeling. It’s an insecure feeling. And I feel disconnected, from within and without. My inner world is clearly reflected in my outer world. So I’ve got to reconnect from within before my life will repair itself from the outside.
It’s strange I just feel as though I haven’t expressed myself at all and don’t even know myself. I know a lot of people can say that. But looking back on my life, to give it a colour it’s been quite grey and beige. There’s a lot of regret of how things could have been different…if only such and such was different. Yes, that is pointless. I have done a lot of things up until now in terms of work life, stopping this and starting that, only because life has thrown me lemons and I’ve had no choice to but to make lemonade or bitter lemon should I say lol. Of course shit happens to a lot of people. But I’ve never gathered myself up properly after my first breakdown in 2017. Yes I should have taken much more time to heal back then. Life has felt chaotic for me. Any stability I’ve ever had has been short lived or wrecked by narcs. I’ve never had a deliberateness about my life. It’s that not being able to look to the future type thing which I’m trying to change as we speak. I often catch myself holding my breath and then remember to breathe. And I always feel as though I’m reaching out to connect with others to make me feel more secure; friends have floated in and out of my life over the years so I don’t have a stable friendship circle. I’ve tried to find connection in different places over the years but the friendships didn’t last. Perhaps I was looking in the wrong place? I think I need to invert that and connect with myself. Make friends with me again? Maybe I need to build that relationship with myself again and reimagine who I am and how I see myself and who I am. The story has to change. Perhaps I’m way too connected to my past? Perhaps I identify with it too much, that I had a shit childhood (although it does change you and shape you emotionally, psychologically and physically) and therefore I’ve not lived from a place of mostly happiness.
What is thriving? I don’t know but one day I hope to find out…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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