Real stories. Deep wounds. Honest healing. One survivor’s honest journey through childhood trauma, healing, and hope. Unfiltered.

triggers, triggers, triggers….

I had a cold shower again this morning and did my pranayama (I hate the term “breath work”) It’s fucking pranayama, why don’t people use the correct terminology and give it the credence it deserves???? And I do the funny eye movements (look it up online, resetting the vagus nerve through eye movements). Those things are all about regulating a dysregulated nervous system, which is what I recently realised I’ve been living with all my life – a dysregulated nervous system, a traumatised body and psyche. Which explains a lot of my behaviour – scattered and trying to do too much but never finishing anything, impulsive, impatient, lack of attention or concentration and focus, no dreams, being in survival mode and difficulty knowing what you really want (inability to set real goals), an inherent feeling of emptiness, feeling like the odd one out in a group and not fitting in, spacing out and not ‘being there’ when in groups or talking to people, extremely accident prone and clumsy tripping and bumping into things (almost daily) cold hands and feet, tight, constricted muscles, very tight pelvis…. I’m wondering how long it’ll take me to fully heal…..

So I got triggered again yesterday. It’s to do with when people mention friends, especially long standing, close friends (because so called friends seem to drop out of my life like dead flies) and I don’t have tight knit friends from ages ago (which most other people seem to have) which leads to me asking myself am I going to be sad, lonely and close-friendless forever?

Anyway, as I was saying, I got triggered on the way back from my first outdoor swimming excursion in a mineral lake. After a mild panic attack getting into the water, thinking I was going to drown even though I had a luminous float tied to my waist (I can swim by the way) I settled down. I’ve heard that cold exposure is good for regulating the vagus nerve for trauma release and I was yawning all the way home (yawning is some form of trauma release so I’ve read/heard). Trauma is stored in the body although there is brain damage or should I say, neurological damage done by early childhood trauma. Gabor Mate talks about that. Apparently childhood trauma can switch on parts of your DNA that would otherwise not be activated. Back to the trigger. She said how a boyfriend from her 20’s still keeps in touch with her and checks in on her now and again to she how she’s getting on. I wish I had someone that checks in on me? I sometimes wonder, if I didn’t have my mum and I suddenly dropped dead at home, how long it would take before someone realised I was missing???? Yes it’s morbid but it’s true. That’s how isolated and alone I often feel. I do think growing up with trauma and the sudden abandonment and betrayal from close family members has led me to experiencing difficulties with relationships in my adult life. When as a child, ( I think I was 12) people you love unconditionally betray you in some way I think it’s the worst. Coupled with the fact they (immediate family) left us for dead, metaphorically speaking, but fed me and my mum to the wolves, again metaphor I’ll explain another time, has left an idelible wound. Inner wounds don’t just scab over and drop off though, do they….?

I’m not totally lonely, I have acquaintances, people I know, colleagues, zone 4 and 5 people, some of them perhaps a zone 3. I’ll explain what the zones are in a minute. But I don’t have pro active people in my life thinking about me, asking me to outings or gatherings or just social stuff. I don’t have people phoning me up regularly ‘just for a chat’ or regular inbox messages on Signal or Whatsapp. But I don’t lean in any more either. I see who actively messages me. And the fair-weather friend who is bored and says Hi doesn’t count. It’s emotionally upsetting writing this and I’m reduced to tears right now writing this. What I mean by pro-active people is close, caring authentic genuine friends that you feel are a symbiotic extension of you, these people are thin on the ground. The one’s who actually value you being in their life. Long standing friends from childhood, school, teenage years, early working years, 30 something years are non existent. Is that normal to not have that? It makes me feel veritably abnormal that I don’t. I should have more than just one very close friend in my zone 1, shouldn’t I? Should is a shitty and heavy word isn’t it? I’m a good, caring person, loyal and unpretentious, but perhaps I do too much? Perhaps I over compensate in friendships because I’ve got zero family and end up being overly needy/get too close too soon, expect too much from them and expect them to value me like I value them? Friendships are precious when you feel more isolated and alone with no family. So when they disappear, you really feel the void. Like the passive aggressive cow bag who suddenly dumped me about 5 months ago; I valued her dearly and loved her like a sister….

Anyway, what’s these zone’s I’m talking about? Well, I had one session with a counsellor/therapist about two weeks ago. It’s a shame I only had one session with her but she turned out to have communication issues and was too scatty for my liking after she cancelled a session on me at the last minute because of her inability to communicate terms and conditions and expected me to be some sort of super-brainy mind-reader. Anyway, I told her about how I was feeling, the friend who recently dumped me who I really valued and not having any family. And she told me this which is really valuable: in your minds eye, have a round board with 5 zones in it in, concentric circles. The middle is zone 1, then come out from that 2, then 3, 4 and 5. Zone 1 are the people you’d call in the middle of the night if something was wrong, the one’s you’re really close to. Zone 2 is close but not that close and then moving outwards to colleagues, acquaintances and people you know. Of course any narcissists should NOT be on the board and sent off into a far away gulag. As you build trust with people, you bring them into a closer zone – trust has to be earned. You can’t meet someone, think you click with them and bring them into your close zones too soon. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a fall. Of course if anyone in your close zones upsets you, you mentally move them away until some more trust is built up again. And vice versa with people in further zones if they prove themselves worthy, you bring them closer. It’s a very good tool and me not having an internal filter within myself, perhaps coupled with lower self esteem (that I don’t want to admit having) and wanting to create a close, cosey zone, have probably unwittingly moved people too close to me too soon….setting myself up for these falls….and I don’t think I have a good relationship with my internal creative self either, which has just come up for me right now….

If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:

https://buymeacoffee.com/healingmychildhoodtrauma

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2 responses to “triggers, triggers, triggers….”

  1. […] about literally anything. I unwittingly took her into my heart way too quickly, into zone 1 or 2 (if you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know about the friends zones). This has happened before where a close friend has ‘dropped’ me overnight, which is a […]

  2. […] stint with an EMDR therapist (who was overpriced, talked more than me and no it didn’t work), another ‘canceller‘ (because I genuinely forgot to pay) – not even a gentle reminder from her she just […]

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