As above, so below; as within, so without.
I originally started this post on 3 Feb 25 but it fell by the wayside which pisses me off as this writing is cathartic for me and also a promise to myself and my healing. There’s just been too much aggro and bullshit going on in my life lately and it drags me down. Fight, fight fight; agg, agg, agg, has been the story of my fucking life (so far) and especially since 2020 when I put my life on hold (don’t get me started). My entire consciousness is attracting more and more battles and war and I’m exhausted. I want to leave the battlefield and put down my sword, but I can’t (I won’t go into it).
I get it though. Internal war = external war. There’s been turbulent waters and wild fires raging within me all my life (so far). I say so far because the only difference now is that I’m having meaningful therapy that’s helping me to cope and understand. My ‘parts’ or my psyche has been at war with itself for most of my life. So why am I so surprised that there’s been a catalogue of external wars to contend with? And I am fucking pissed off that I’ve allowed myself to fall into a role, yet again, of trying to support other people with their battles when I’m trying to heal myself and my life; chiron, the wounded healer at play. Something has got to change. I don’t want this and I don’t want to cope with these fights anymore. I want to thrive and live my life. I want to live meaningfully and joyfully most of the time. I’m still finding it hard to thrive and make decisions based on thriving. I suppose thriving is a habit just like surviving.
But where did this war get imprinted on me though?
Perhaps it was my feuding external family that I grew up around, with all the the bitter acrimony, enmity, venom, loathing and hostile discord (perhaps not all in that order but all of it nevertheless) where acrimony got imprinted into my inner world and psyche, and as with any type of coup, took me over and held me hostage. That and living in the face of real fear of my wellbeing as child, from around 7/8 years old, dealing with vile racial abuse on our doorstep (which went on for years). That went on for nearly a decade, morphing from racial abuse into victimisation (as it was just me and my mum living alone – easy targets for low-level thinking, societal drop-out, local hillbilly types who gained amusement from trying to scare the living daylights out of us). I think you’d go one of two ways faced with this: totally introverted and insular with a deep, deep distrust of humans manifesting as passive aggression, or totally aggressive and extrovert, also with a deep, deep distrust of humans but fuelled by rage. I became the latter. But all I ever wanted was love and acceptance and a feeling of what happiness could look like and feel like.
In the midst of all of that which a child should not have to contend with, I must have disassociated and left my body but not in a NDE type of way. (It’s upsetting writing this actually. The pain body has popped up. but maybe that is necessary to validate it). The real me either went into exile, into hiding or perhaps was held hostage to my shadow side which took over all these years, burying the real me so deep it becomes harder and harder to excavate.
It’s like the movie “The Babadook”. If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a widow plagued with a deep, dark depression following the death of her husband in a car crash, driving her to hospital whilst she’s in labour with their son. The movie metaphorically depicts her internal, unresolved trauma as the malevolent “Babadook” that haunts her and her son, possessing her to do the most cruel things until she has the courage to confront the ghoul. It’s a psychological horror about mental health issues; creepy but profoundly meaningful.
I’ve realised for some time I had been captured by the “Babadook” living within me for over 30 years…although I’m starting to build a relationship with it. Perhaps only love, kindness and compassion can disspiate the “Babdook”, make it shrink and retire. I’m learning through therapy to build a more harmonious relationship with myself. The more harmonious and calm my internal world, the more harmonious and calm my external world. As within, so without; as above, so below…
I’ll get there one day…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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