I’m at an impasse; I’m trying to ‘sort my life out’ (again) for probably the 5th time in the last decade, figuring out how to move forward and carve out my life (again) reinventing myself (again) and I’m confused not knowing where to start (again) at 49. Although the therapy I’m having is giving me answers. She recognised that a confused and traumatised teenage ‘part’ has been running the show all these years, making very poor decisions on the way forward and trying desperately to carve out a life for the adult me – desperate being the operative word (or was I always a wounded child just grown up?). Not that I am denigrating or berating the teenage part for making poor decisions: how the hell was she to know? It’s not her fault at all for making ‘poor’ decisions. She made decisions that any teenager would. She needs to be validated and her pain needs to be seen, supported, heard and held. None of it was her fault. What do you expect growing up in actual fear of being abused by people living by in the neighbourhood for years not knowing if her and her mother’s wellbeing was going to be violated, being victimised, bullied and to top it off, abandoned by the family closest to her that she’d grown up with, leaving her to live with a shattered and broken heart. How was this part ever to know what she really, truly wants out of life when she doesn’t really know who she is? That is a symptom of living in a traumatised, dysfunctioning nervous system, in pure survival mode with the stark inability to dream or look to the future. An inner chaos has ruled and reigned. And therefore, my life has manifest chaotic confusion with no real sense, and no real direction, being pulled along by the current with no discernment, with no purpose or meaning, being pulled in any direction. I’ve found myself ‘grappling’ quite a lot at things that come along into my life, flitting from one thing to the next in a very ADHD way. It’s the traumatised teenage part that has been running the show all these years and making decisions. And what sort of decisions would a traumatised teenager make about life, living and a ‘career’ ( I hate that word “career” – you can career off the edge of a cliff as well!! That’s probably why it’s called a “career”).
Anyway I digress. This is why I find myself now in state of confusion, startled like a rabbit in headlights not knowing which way to turn. What I really need to do is pay attention to the troubled traumatised teenage part. I need to vaildate her pain; I need to see her loneliness; I need to witness her selfless warrior in trying to protect her mother. I need to help piece together her shattered heart.I need to now hold space for her and help to heal the teenage girl who desperately wanted support, direction, a guiding guru to offer their hand, be taken under someone’s wing to heal and find solcae, space, calm and most of all finding herself.
That’s where I am right now.
And I’ve also realised that I still have vestiges of The Narc in my psyche who gobbled up 18 months of my life (I’m 15 months free of him). But I still have his words and beliefs indelibly etched on my mind. How insidious the narcissist is…another post for another day…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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