I haven’t written for a few days; neither have I been doing enough physical exercise or pranayama (breath work) or vagus resetting, although I do manage to stand under a cold shower most days. I did go for a 5 mile walk yesterday (for the first time in days). I had been feeling like I’m spiralling earlier on this week along with feelings of depression.
However, what I have been finding lately is my voice again. I’m finding my fight and my resilience again. I’m not allowing myself to contain any feelings of dissatisfaction, upset, selfish and passive aggressive behaviour, I’m speaking out rather than harbouring it internally, which just turns into resentment. Speaking up is like a muscle: the more you exercise that faculty and do the difficult thing, the easier it gets and the better you feel. I’ve confronted JKR (the friend who dumped me who still HAS NOT replied!!), someone else I know who was being passive aggressive towards me, ferreted out a covert narc and just a few days ago, spoke out against a woman being publicly humiliated and bullied (I’ll explain later on in the post). I know the resilience started with the cold water swim a few weeks ago. I did go to lake last week but it was a hot day and the lake wasn’t cold – I could have swam in my costume so not sure that swim counts). But perhaps the regular cold showers is transforming me somehow? Perhaps the healing is taking place and the trauma is releasing itself…??? By the way, I don’t have a completely cold shower from start to finish. I’ll have a warm shower first then turn it to cold and stand in it as long as I can. It teaches you to control your mind and to breathe.
Anyway, back to woman being bullied. The thing I hate seeing most of all is bullying; looking back throughout my life, I have always wanted to step in when I could see someone being bullied. Having been subject to and victim to bullying at various stages throughout my life, from the racists where we lived to narcissistic abuse from immediate family to workplace bullying, to most recently, being involved with a narc and the bullying I endured and allowed from him, when I see bullying and I can do something about it, I will. And I’m just reminding myself that any kind of bullying comes from a place of visceral insecurity, lack and untruth from the perpetrator. Perhaps part of my purpose on Earth to give a voice to the voiceless and stand up for those being trampled upon?
On Wednesday this week I witnessed what I can only describe as a modern day witch hunt, in an online ‘awake’ group, where one member of the group was going against the grain of ‘group think’ and had a counter narrative and opinion to the one that is/was being ‘promoted’. Freedom of expression is a precious gift, which we are all entitled to share. No one was being targeted or vilified, it was just conjecture and opinion on what was being shared. To cut a long story short, this poor woman for simply going against the group consensus, was barraged firstly in private with a hostile phone call which then culminated in an unceremonious public message basically ousting her, telling her that she has been discussed by the group that evening (over a drink) and asking her to leave to the group, very public humiliation that was totally uncalled for.
This whole debacle both rattled me immensely and stunned me, at at a very deep level. To see grown women in their 60’s and 70’s behaving like bitchy teenage, school girls, marginalising someone who is different, was beyond me. It’s strange. It was as if I was being bullied. I felt her pain at a visceral level. Consequently, it gave me headache reading it and I got up feeling very head-achy and very late yesterday morning. The thing is, I just couldn’t stand back and watch this poor soul (who is not the least bit aggressive) be attacked and ferreted out like this so unceremoniously and I had a very strong feeling to stand up for her (as most people tread on eggshells in this particular group in fear of wrath). So I did. I spoke up for the bullied woman and probably for the many who silently agreed with me (and who probably shared my sentiment in private). I aired how appalled I felt about the toxicity of the group along with other pro-free speech opinion. It was probably met with both disdain and delight simultaneously depending upon the spectating crowd. I was slightly tentative about back lash I admit, but I felt so much better having spoken out, rather than not. I don’t think I would have had the inner strength a few months ago to stand in my power this way. I’m wondering if this is all part of healing my trauma or is it just me coming back from the dark abyss that I seem to have sunk into earlier this year….???
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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