Dysregulation
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Experiences come along to highlight unresolved pain, to expose the unhealed parts of ourselves, revealing itself as emotionally triggering situations and disproportionate pain. If a seemingly incocuous situation hurts way too much, and disproportionately so, then it’s the signal of an unhealed wound; if you can’t simply shrug it off, it’s undigested pain from the… Read more
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(continued from part 1) After the unholy trinity left, Mum and I were alone and the hunted. Completely cut off and ostracised by any family we had, (she was the divorced black sheep of the family), I learned that I had to keep my sword drawn and be on guard 24/7, chronic anxiety alarming me… Read more
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I know I had a “Babadook” living in me for a very long time… (and it’s taken me weeks to try and write this post which is siginificant in itself). It’s just too huge a subject in my life. No, I never coined the phrase ‘Babadook’. It’s a movie I was drawn to watch about… Read more
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I feel like crying. I’m conscious of the fact that I haven’t written in 3 weeks not because I didn’t want to, but I just can’t seem to. Yes I’ve been away for 9 days in between (which is a valid ‘excuse’) but after writing my previous post where I candidly expressed how my pain… Read more
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….a continuation (there’s too much to say…) The unholy trinity abandoned us knowing all of the dangers, without any warning, without a conversation; devoid of an explanation, without a care in the world. They were like sisters to me. I’d grown up with them from a baby. They were all I knew and I loved… Read more
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My mental health has taken a huge nose-dive this past week. I’m still fragile. Extremely. I feel like I’ve collapsed from within. My emotions are teetering and simmering on the surface and I’m edgy as hell. Very edgy. I’m crying easily over seemingly minor issues and I feel weak from within; all my inner strength… Read more
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I’ve been unable to write for over a week. And I’ve been reading too many novels. My creativity has felt crooked and crumpled down within me, concertinaed like a less-than-pretty origami shape that I didn’t know how to undo; I’ve been feeling like a tangled mess (like my split ends all mangled together) and I… Read more
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A lot of people call themselves “big kids” don’t they? “I’m just a big kid”. I said it last night to someone at a new yoga-type class I went to. Big kid is a euphemism for adult child. Imagine saying that “yeah, I’m an adult child”. Doesn’t sound so cool does it? How many other… Read more
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Yes I know: relationships are hard for most people at the best of times. But I really don’t think it’s the same playing field when you’ve had childhood trauma to contend with and a dysregulated, handicapped nervous system that wreaks havoc with day-to-day living (and imbedded, unconcious neediness), which has left me with a trail… Read more
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My anxiety has a voice. It’s only very recently I’ve realised that it’s the voice of chronic anxiety (although I hate labels like that). It’s a negative voice by default constantly popping up in all kinds of scenarios warning me of some impending doom. But I don’t think it (meaning the voice) or me are… Read more