A lot of people call themselves “big kids” don’t they? “I’m just a big kid”. I said it last night to someone at a new yoga-type class I went to. Big kid is a euphemism for adult child. Imagine saying that “yeah, I’m an adult child”. Doesn’t sound so cool does it? How many other euphemisms do we use to hide what we really area? If our childhood was curtailed with trauma, does that mean we have a need to act it out in our adult years? I’m sure there’s a lot of adult children about in this world. I wonder out of the 7.5 billion global population, how many are adult children and more chillingly, how many of those hold positions of power? Mini dictators I would imagine usually are, consumed with ghosts and shadows of the past, cruelly and callously acting out inner wounds on unsuspecting nations. Wounded traumatised children often grow into adult child malignant narcissists. Not a comforting thought really.
I am one too. Not a malignant narcissist but an adult child. I’m not a fully-fledged adult being (I don’t like the word hue-man. Colour of man; shade of man). I don’t feel completely ‘grown up’; I’ve never felt that I’ve arrived into adulthood – is there a fanfare that should come with it as we cross the threshold? The problem is there aren’t any rites of passage or initiations that exist in Western culture that enable us to heal and enter adulthood (as opposed to indigenous earth people rich with tradition who are terrorised as ‘heathens’ into becoming ‘civilised’). Natural innate creativity is a healer although that is bashed out of most children at school. Instead we have to exist in concrete culture – is that civilised? Concrete-like rules, imposed conformity and iron-fist rigidity turning us into modern-day slave-like robots that are programmed to follow the crowd, not think for ourselves and travel along a conveyor-belt of axe-to-the-grindstone jobs and complying with strict systems; anything outside of that matrix makes you some sort of societal hippy-type drop out and an anarchist, although ‘anarchy’ is misunderstood – it just means self-governance, without a leader, nothing at all akin to a hooligan. It literally translates to “without a leader” or “absence of a leader” from the ancient Greek. Concrete without: concrete within. No wonder we break down when we fall away from it. Nature grows through concrete if you leave it unattended for too long. Look at Pripyat – the ghost town of Chernobyl, a festoon of nature.
If there was space in modern society to heal our childhood wounds, to enter into adulthood with rites of passage, then I think the world would look very different, don’t you? But then I guess it’s by design that it’s not designed that way, so there’s literally millions of walking wounded. However having these realisations and wisdom is a rite of passage to be navigated in itself, which come in the form of people and circumstances to trigger you into the reminder that there’s healing to be done and wholeness to be attained – the wound is where the light gets in, if we pay enough attention.
I am quite philosophical today. Only because I’m quite mindful of the fact that I want to integrate and ‘become’ whole and feel like an adult being with the ghosts of the childhood trauma recognised, validated and allowed to rest fully. And I know intellectually that wholenss is not going to come from anything external like validation from others, doing too much, seeking approval and being far too available (which makes one dispensible); in fact abundant availablility is a form of people pleasing and self-abandonment. I wholly admit that I do seek attention and need others to make me feel [important, attractive, intelligent, wanted, fill the blank]. It would be very nourishing to be able to evoke those feelings from within, on tap, completely self-sufficient. How do I do it without seeking? Do I tell my wounded child “lets find importance another way?”. Ask and you shall find…
Another thing I’m realising is that it’s important to hold space for feelings when they arise rather than shutting them down. How many times do we tell ourselves to “stop being stupid” or”pull yourself together” when emotions come up, especially over minor things that we think we ‘shouldn’t’ be getting upset about, trying to “be strong” and pushing the feeling aside. Or lash out at someone or something that triggers us, rather than observing the feeling with patience and curiosity. Silence isn’t weakness. When I get upset over small things, I know it’s my inner child getting triggered. For instance this morning I messaged a friend as I just needed to talk – as women do. I must admit I am feeling a bit fragile, unravelling from some legal bullshit I was forced into. She told me she was having breakfast and was due to leave within 45 minutes. The abandonment wound immediately got triggered and I felt affronted, as if she was deliberately pushing me aside and turning her back on me. Instantly, the wounded child took over and I felt dysregulated, shedding some tears, feeling unimportant and discarded. I knew I was dysregulated though and fully conscious of the fact. I also knew I had to cry and tell the wounded child that she’s important and that she’s loved, rather than shutting the tears down as “being stupid”. So I’m learning to build relationships with my wounded child and changing the inner landscape; in doing that, my energy will no doubt change, and over time, create a new consciousness which will alchemise the wounds and symbols from that childhood home into a gift – the gift of transformation and wisdom.
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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