Is anger also suppressed or unused creativity? I once saw a Brene Brown quote that goes something like “unused creativity isn’t benign; it metasizes – it turns into anger, rage, frustration and shame” – something like that. That is not verbatim. It resonated like pressing down on deep bruise.
Writing is my flow place. It makes me feel like I’m doing the exact thing that I’m supposed to be doing. And that quote is spot on the quote. When I see other’s making a living writing and other stuff I know I’m good at naturally like art and broadcasting (I used to have a Youtube channel until the narc bullied me into deleting it), that I haven’t allowed myself to do because I’m always running stupid silly fast in the hamster wheel of “gotta-find-something-to-do-to-make-money” (high speed setting constantly is acting from the sympathetic nervous system in survival mode, a classic trauma-based state- my ex narc was exactly the same) it pisses me off. I feel shame and rage and anger and frustration that I STILL haven’t made my life an extension of my true self and being. It is soul destroying. In those moments I have that “I’m-gunnado-that” only make myself an empty promise that is never fulfilled (because I continue in the default running around really fast sympathetic mode). In fact I would actually tell people that “I have one speed setting, and that’s FAST!!” It’s that ‘need to be making money now’, or, ‘need to be doing something productive now’ feeling which IS a survival mode feeling. I’m not financially wealthy don’t get me wrong, far from it. But I don’t have financial pressure either (probably because I avoid bills – don’t ask, that’s a whole other rabbit hole) However the mortgage gets paid and that’s on interest only. So what I’m saying is that taking a bit of time to do something else and mould something out of the true me isn’t going to mean that I lose my home or anything debilitating like that.
I don’t know if not living your true self is a societal thing or a trauma based thing. I guess we are all conditioned to lead certain lives within this matrix, and all of us have trauma to a certain degree. I just want to know if people with childhood trauma all struggle to express their true self and go off on huge, meandering, up Everest and down again to base camp tangents. I know my ex narc was doing well financially. Narcs usually do. But he purportedly had childhood trauma. And I don’t think he was living from his true self. He was worse than me. If I’m a million miles per hour, he was a trillion miles per hour.
All I know is that the more of me that is left within me, the worse I feel, and spiritually the trigger-bashing I’ve had this year knocks me back down like risen bread dough, back into a soggy mess. I just need to shape myself correctly into what I’m supposed to be, like the perfect piece of bread dough, and bake it in the oven so life can’t bash me down again into the soggy mess I am right now….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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