I started writing this post a week ago, felt like shit as I was going on and on about nothing and then committed it to the drafts bin because it felt like I was walking through treacle. I mustered up the energy that day to open my lap top and write. I’m wasn’t finding it easy a week ago yesterday. But this is commitment to myself to write like this. It’s good for my soul, I know, to offload like this. It feels the same as journaling. Just that un-contrived, unplanned stream of consciousness that just comes out the way it’s supposed to come out.
Anyway, I’ve realised I haven’t said something important that I originally sat down to write that day. Just over a week ago, I confronted JKR, you know, the friend who dumped me. Sounds like the title of an Austin Powers movie. I felt so resilient after that open water swim, that I confronted a few situations that needed confronting. And when you do, some of them dissolve away, you reach a conclusion and wonder what you were worried about in the first place.
So it’s been about 4 months since JKR unceremoniously distanced herself/dissociated from me which was the mahoosive trigger that I didn’t see coming which tail-spun me into another abyss of grief and loss. I decided last Saturday morning quite stoicly that I’m going to message her to ask her why she’s distanced herself from me in the manner in which she has. It was a no-fluff, no-emotion, straight-to-the-point message to ask what her issue/problem is and if we can have an adult conversation to gain closure. This is a sixty-something year old woman by they way, no spring chicken. Anyway I’m glad I’m writing this post now because SHE HASN’T REPLIED. What a coward! Still getting the passive aggression silent treatment from her but this time I know its her problem not mine and the monkey is well and truly on her back. The longer she leaves it, the more of an insolent bitch she’s going to look like. What a cold hearted harlot when I was already feeling vulnerable and threatened after leaving my narc for her to treat me with such disdain. It actually IS quite a cold, callous and wicked thing for someone to be able to cut you off overnight, with no explanation. It doesn’t hurt any more. I’m more gobsmacked at her ongoing passive aggression and seeing how long it’ll last and if she ever does pluck up the courage to message me. Although there’s no friendship there any longer; that has disintegrated and turned to dust. Funny how women can do that one another so easily. Do men do that I wonder…???
I get a feeling I may have written about this already but I don’t read my old posts. It was just the title of this post is CONFRONTATION so perhaps I haven’t spoken about it fully. I think her behaviour hurt like it did because I loved her like a sister. I trusted her. I opened up to her. I thought she was non-judgemental. I thought she was genuine. I thought she was authentic. I thought she was kind. We had an easy friendship where the company was easy and we could talk about literally anything. I unwittingly took her into my heart way too quickly, into zone 1 or 2 (if you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know about the friends zones). This has happened before where a close friend has ‘dropped’ me overnight, which is a re-enactment of the childhood abandonment from my aunts whom I loved like sisters. And having zero family apart from my mother makes my friends all the more precious. Any child who has suffered trauma with very little or no family ties will understand how important a good circle of friends are. For me, this hasn’t quite materialised. I don’t know why. I’m still trying to figure that out. Part of me thinks it’s because I haven’t lived a life true to myself for a long time and for certain sections of my life. I’ve seen the distinction between being true to myself, and who comes into my life, and being disconnected from my true self, and seeing who then comes into my life. That’s been more apparent since 2020. Perhaps there is a clue there for all of us in authentic living….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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