Today I feel strangely together and resilient, much more myself. I haven’t felt this strong and together in literally months and I’m trying to figure out what’s changed. Of course I’ve started this blog thing, which is for me to document my healing journey from childhood trauma and write on here daily. Seriously, I have felt a mess lately. Just a few days ago I sank into the doldrums of my life, falling apart at the seams, crying myself to sleep, not feeling together at all, puffy eyed and didn’t have a shower for one of the days . The only thing that has changed this week is starting this blog (which is very cathartic and is an outlet to my unused creativity). If you have unused creativity it can make one more depressed, especially if you have a natural talent and not using it, like me. Secondly, I went for that outdoor swim which was a love it hate it type thing. I felt amazing having done it, as it is a challenge and I got through a panic attack getting in. I suppose challenges make you stronger and it probably did my nervous system good.
I’m not going to think that just because I’m feeling very together, productive and resilient today that I’m suddenly healed. I have been doing a lot of somatic work lately: dabbling with cold showers, eye movement/vagus nerve reset, pranayama breathing (NO NOT BREATH WORK lets use the correct terminology!) OM chanting, yoga (when I get up), I did treat myself an ayurvedic massage once a week for 4 weeks which I’ve never done in my life. Plus I did have a 6 week EMDR treatment with a therapist although I made a mistake (she wasn’t that good a therapist and I wouldn’t recommend her). But perhaps there’s a delayed bodily response with EMDR? Plus watching Youtube videos on trauma/healing and I’ve been doing the Crappy Childhood Fairy daily practice. Maybe it’s a combination of everything although last night, I streamed something on TV (I do watch the gogglebox now and again to veg out). So I vegged out with something I found interesting which was strangely inspiring. The danger is (when you’re feeling good) is to stop all the things that you’ve been doing. So I’m going to continue with all of my somatic work and yes I will go cold water swimming again next week, call me a masochist lol.
Perhaps I’m feeling god because I’m finally putting myself and my needs first? I nearly messaged JKR, the one who triggered me massively by dumping our friendship when I was already low. But I thought I’d better temper the amount I do as I can do too much. My brain kicks in at 100mph and I have one speed setting: FAST. So that really needs to change.
Perhaps my consciousness is changing? I believe consciousness is a living thing that morphs and changes as you change and you have the ability to influence and change it.
Anyway, I’m glad I feel so together today I still feel the anxiety ticking away in the background, but am learning not to catastrophize (it sounds crazy but I have a habit of future-thinking negative situations and expecting that someone is going argue with me or that an email reply is going to be negative or that someone is going to have a go at me about something I’ve said and that I’m not going to be able to cope with it hence anxiety arises). I actually have imaginary arguments with people in my head, expecting that this might happen so in my head, I’m setting myself up for this response in case it happens. I don’t know why I do this as it’s inviting negative experiences and causing anxiety I don’t need. Staying in the moment with things and knowing and telling myself I’m safe right now is the most important thing. I can deal with anything that comes along and don’t need to catastrophize or future think anything….anyway I’m looking forward to a nice day tomorrow, driving to see friends of mine down south. I’ll find the time to write, not going to give up on this daily practice which is soothing for the soul….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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