I had a fairweather friend over for dinner back in late March. I say fairweather because I had a light bulb moment that night, well, it was more like a stark realisation, a sharp clip around the ear of what a closed book she really is and how little I know about her, considering I’ve ‘known’ her for over a decade. I don’t even know where she lives and have never been invited over to her house. I also noticed how conversation about herself skirts around the outer fringes of her life and that she never wants to paddle in the deep end or open up about anything. Conversely, I’m quite the opposite and comfy with my vulnerability and ability to open up about my feelings and what’s going on in my life. Yes she debated issues that plague female friendships and how women will do anything for a man as opposed to for another woman (even if that man has betrayed her or wronged her in someway – another conversation for another day). But when it comes to herself, I know absolutely nothing. I am kept well away at arms length. She’s as shallow as a puddle in a dry desert. And my suspicion was affirmed when a few weeks later, she told me she’d come back from a holiday in Dubai. But she didn’t for a minute think to mention a life event like that, something you’re counting down the sleeps for when she was over for dinner? That’s strange behaviour to say the least.
Anyway, that night I happened to open up about the bitch of friend (who I loved like a sister) who dumped me in an unceremonious passive aggressive style a few months that left me quite frankly aghast and also bereft. It was like a punch in the stomach the way she abandoned our friendship, like I had no value at all. I had not long come out of a narcissistic relationship and was feeling threatened and vulnerable as the narc was harassing me. By the way, passive aggressive behaviour IS covert gas lighting i.e. it IS narcissistic behaviour. Think about it. The passive aggressor tip toes away feather-footed like a thief in the night quietly leaving a trail of unacknowledged tension in their wake. It’s glaringly obvious and palpable that there’s an issue or a problem. But you get the silent treatment. And all you want is an answer. It’s a stalemate until one of you broaches the issue and that one of you will be YOU, not them. However YOU are left with the feeling of “what have I said?” or “what have I done wrong?” which leads you to scrolling through texts or analysing conversations in your head what you might have said to upset them or what they might be thinking and making up stories about what could be wrong. Yes, in true gas lighting fashion, you start to blame and question yourself. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s THEM who has the problem. Rationalising it like this doesn’t make the pain of the situation any easier to deal with. Unless you say something, the air will never be cleared. AND the passive aggressor may deny that there’s anything wrong at all and that it’s all in your head. So if you do have a emotional outburst, it makes you look like the aggressor. See how it works? I’ve nearly had an emotional outburst at JKR, (we’ll just call her that), on umpteen occasions. VERY LONG Whatsapp messages typed out and sent to myself. A very long email sent to myself and a friend to see how it sounds. But on all of them I am the emotional one who could looks like the basket case.
Coming back to the fairweather friend for dinner. I opened up to her about JKR and how much it hurt, and realised that female betrayal had become a pattern in my life, so called close friends exiting my life for no apparent major reason. As the pattern had raised its ugly head again, it made me realise that this pain is probably linked to unhealed childhood wounds, so I delved deeper and told the fairweather friend about my childhood. What took me by surprise is that I felt the emotional pain of what I was telling her. I thought those wounds had been dealt with, I thought that part of my life was healed. Clearly not. And that unhealed child was somehow still showing up in my life. I realised in that moment that I need to get some help, possibly some therapy. But where do you start?
I started bombarding myself about childhood trauma and looking online to see what I could find – books, videos, blogs. It offers what you need intellectually but how do you imbibe that, how do you actually heal so that life takes a different trajectory? It was back in April I started looking for trauma therapists but there’s so many, how do you know who you need? Plus it ain’t cheap, and what if it doesn’t work after parting with all that moolah??
Suffice to say I resigned myself to the fact that I haven’t changed in this long, trying to ‘do it myself’ and just totally and utterly pissed off with my life going around in the same loops and patterns. Everyone has their turning point and this was it for me. I’ve always been so reluctant to pay someone, probably because I don’t trust paying other people that much because you don’t know how good they are at what they do and if they are just ‘in it for the money’. But I thought now is my time to really focus on my healing for once in my. To put myself first for once in my life. I don’t have a career right now (the narc I was with bullied me out of what I was doing in 2022 and I started working for him) So of course when I left him in Dec 2023, it’s me who was left with nothing, picking up the pieces to start my life all over again. Fortunately I had some money come my way in January 2024 which is enough to live on for a few months and put some aside for therapy. Although I am mindful that I do need to start earning again, but when you’ve been feeling a total emotional mess like I have this year, (and I feel like I’ve had a mini breakdown, not as bad my 2017 breakdown) it’s often difficult to find the focus you need and the boost to get your life back on track, especially when you need to be mentally, spiritually and emotionally on form to find your way forward.
I’m sure I’ll find my way through the fog. Writing all of this down like this is surprisingly cathartic…
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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