I sat down to write something else but have been massively triggered by everything that someone else is doing and being and everything I’m not. I’m not going to say who I’ve looked at and what I’ve read. I am in tears and I weep the tears of sorrow and sadness and regret and resentment and jealousy and everything else in between that makes me pissed off that I am not living my best life. I was supposed to be a writer, a leader, an artist and expressing myself from my soul to someone else’s soul- I know that in my heart. But my life has been and felt so fucked up and off track and scattered (trying to make money and a living) and often chaotic and unfocused for such a long time, having to process the unprocessed (like I’m doing now) and therefore I’ve found it really difficult to lean back and feel my way through life to the right track.
I feel hopeless right now whilst I see others creating lives that I should already be living. And I’m not making excuses when I say that my life became totally fucked up, living in this traumatised body from around 12, full of fear and shock and sadness and anger and rage and depression, from the years of vile racial abuse to the sudden abandonment by loved ones, where my life took a nose dive and I went off in a tail spin on one huge, great, big fucking tangent and never fully got back on track.
Should I hate and resent myself for this? Yes I’m responsible for my healing but I never put myself in the “I’m a survivor of trauma” box. I should I say “I’m healing from trauma and don’t know how the fuck to find myself”.
My head is all over the place – I’m healing myself and at the same time trying to find some stability and focus in life. But when you know in your heart you’re not living the life you should be, from your innate creativity and heart and soul, it’s like a malignant cancer. And it hurts….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
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