I’m not going to tell anyone my name, who I am, where I live etc. It’s inconsequential. Anonymity in a digital world is priceless. A writer is what I should have become all my life and a huge part of me that I left on the shelf at 16-ish, (because I was angry with the world but that’s another post for another day). So I’m writing, right now and it feels cathartic. And I guess I simply want to document my journey of healing my childhood pain and trauma, step by step, as it unfolds in my life although I may go off an tangent now and again. Perhaps what I write might benefit someone else also on this journey of healing. There’s probably loads of you out there who have have had some sort of trauma in your childhood that unbeknownst to you has controlled your life somewhere within the depths of your body and psyche. Writing this anonymously will allow me to to say whatever I want to say without a filter and without the worry being judged or people knowing who I am (who might read these posts) and avoid any possible retribution, criticism or vitriol in the process. There is a fragility if you’ve had trauma. It explains one’s over-sensitivity.
Here’s where it started in 2024: I got MASSIVELY triggered earlier this year by a so called friend (who I thought was a good, genuine, authentic, caring, kind, loving friend) who dumped me/distanced herself from me, overnight, and I meant literally, overnight, after I asked her partner for some help with a difficult situation. I won’t go into the story on this post, maybe on another one. But that passive aggression of her tip toeing away like a thief in the night without a word or explanation triggered like a bombshell out of the blue my feelings of childhood abandonment and female betrayal. It’s not the first time in my life that a so called female friend has ‘dropped’ me over minor situations. It’s a recurring theme. And not having any family means my friends are more precious to me. But in middle age, I realise that I don’t have a safe and secure unit of close friends as they have dropped out of my life for reasons I’ll never know. Maybe I was too needy? I don’t know. I have only one person whom I consider close to me. And that makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me????
Anyway, this so called friend dropping out my life suddenly was a huge blow that I didn’t see coming and which I really didn’t need at that time, when I was already going through an emotionally difficult personal situation. People can be such selfish bastards can’t they? In fact it’s a cunt-ish thing to do, what she did. But it made me realise that my unhealed childhood was still lingering and percolating in the background, and had reared it’s ugly head again.
What I didn’t realise though is that I have been living in a traumatised body all my life and suffering from CPTSD probably for most of my life. It kind of landed on me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I had a shitty childhood. But I never labelled my shitty childhood as traumatic and I never labelled myself as having CTPSD. But after reading a book called, Healing from Trauma: A Survivor’s Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life (please look it up I’m not going to put links in here) in which I magically wanted to find ‘a cure’ I recognised the physical, psychological and psycho-spiritual symptoms she describes, that I am still experiencing now. Hence I realised I’m a trauma victim. And there is nothing wrong with saying that you’re a vicitm of trauma. It doesn’t mean you have a victim mentality.
Anyway in my scattered and impatient way, I started looking for answers on how to heal trauma, overloading and overwhelming myself with a mini library full of books and watching back-to-back YT videos on healing the vagus nerve to cold exposure to breathwork to yoga, from Peter Levine to Gabor Mate and Therapy in a Nutshell to the Crappy Childhood Fairy (and everything inbetween). Suffice to say I’ve burned out very quickly and spiralled once again this week.
However, I am determined to heal and writing this blog is one way of cathartically allowing myself to express my emotions on this journey of finding my true self again under the rubble of the pain. I want to see how far I can evolve in the next 12 months so these writings can enable me to look back and see how far I’ve come and how my healing has progressed…..there’s a lot more I can write but I’ll save it for another day….
If baring my soul to you (and the world) has moved or touched a part of you in any way, then your support would be very welcome. To help me on this healing journey, perhaps you’d like to buy me a coffee (although mines a tea) via the link below:
Leave a Reply